On rehabs and refurbishments, Part 3

Hello again!

Sorry for the delay...I got back from a trip to Orlando the other day, and blah blah blah you don't care.

In the last part of my ludicrously over-thought view of rehabs and refurbs, I focused on some of the sweet ones that have filled the Disney skies with a glimmer of sunlight, or what have you.

But it's not all gumdrops and cotton candy.














There was, of course, the much talked about (by me) Primeval Whirl rehab. And the long-discussed recent rehab of "it's a small world", which apparently was vastly improved through the new process of raping its foundations while everyone watches.

A bit extreme, I know. But the rehab was pretty fucking extreme.

Over a year or so ago, reports were going around that Disney was apparently going to put the Disneyland version of "it's a small world" into rehab, with more than a new paint job. An improved soundtrack was in order, with Disney characters added into the scenes and an all new "Hooray for America" sequence being plopped in right where the rainforest scene was.

Pretty much all true.

To the credit of WED, the changes made tried (TRIED being the operative word) to be subtle. There were no goofy looking Disney animatronics breaking down as you floated past.

The "Hooray for America" sequence does TRY to match the style that Mary Blair used to make the attraction so unique.

HOWEVER.

The whole concept of the refurb is all wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. Wrong. Wrong in principle, and wrong in execution. The prime reason of its wrongness is "Why couldn't the damn thing just stay the way it was?" There was nothing wrong with it. It's gone for 4 decades now running the way it is, and people have been consistently charmed by it. Some of you may ask, "Good point, but why not?'"
There are several reasons as to why this shouldn't have happened.
A)The reason I listed above; that it's fine the way it is. As long as Disney doesn't let it become Norway, it's fine.
B)The induction of the Disney characters is just awkward. They don't fit. They do look like they've been infused with Mary Blair's style, but it still looks painfully obvious that Disney just slapped these 30-odd characters into the show.
Tell me that's not the creepiest thing you've ever seen.

C) The America sequence is fucking USELESS. It adds nothing to the show. It actually subtracts, considering WED tore down a rainforest to put up some cowboys and crop farmers. Again, we ask ourselves, "Why? In what way does anyone benefit from this?"
I suppose children will, seeing as how they don't remember the good old days of when original attractions didn't need "plussing" with Disney characters. And thus, Disney makes money, by profiting off of the children's lack of complaint.

Not that this is the first time Disney has been known to use the cluelessness of youth to make a quick buck.




Marty Sklar explained to us why this happened, and soothed our nerves. But I still can't help but call bullshit (especially on this letter, it's hard to imagine an Imagineering legend would be so welcoming to such bastardizing changes), and think that if Walt were around today, he'd want to know exactly what in hell that blue monster has to do with the "Children of the World".


P.S. I also read a piece on the rehab that criticized everyone's critiques of the "America" scene. Aside from this being pretty much the dumbest thing ever written, and probably written by the same Disney exec who wrote Marty Sklar's letter, the whole idea of Paris having an "America" section is acceptable because Paris ISN'T IN FUCKING AMERICA. Ass.

And sure, it's in Disneyland. So why am I talking about it? Because if this idea is gold in Disneyland, then we may soon see the Orlando counterpart getting the same facelift.

Anyway, moving on. I promised everyone I'd conclude this letter with a retrospective of what was (and still is!) the most horrendous and despicable rehab known to man. And it's not "Under New Management!"


...The attraction that has its opening known worldwide by Disney fans as the moment Walt not only rolled in his grave, but also sat upright and screamed bloody fucking murder.

No, the attraction I'm referring to is "Journey Into Imagination". Also known as "Journey Into YOUR Imagination" and "Journey Into YOUR Imagination - with Figment!" And probably something else. Hell if I know.

JII opened up in 1983, a year after EPCOT Center opened, and it was well worth the wait. People were amazed at the simplistic (almost Mary Blair-esque) design of the queue, and the show waiting inside was something much more than a dark ride. It gave Disney its first unofficial park mascots; characters serving as ambassadors to a theme park that weren't preestablished Disney creations. Figment and the Dreamfinder were 100 percent EPCOT, and you couldn't go anywhere else to find them. Unless it was your middle school science class (click on the TV, then the icon in the dead center with an animated Figment).

However, in 1998, to commemorate 15 years of Imagination, WDI thought it necessary to completely gut the shit out of the building and rebuild it - inside and out. What resulted was a disturbing blend of corny effects that you could find in a Ripley's building on I-Drive, a bunch of anticlimactic nothingness, and Eric Idle (in a move to better combine the theme of JII and its neighbor, Honey I Shrunk the Audience, which also led Disney to re-establish the entire pavilion as the Imagination Institute) called "Journey Into YOUR Imagination!". As if people would approach the ride thinking "I wonder whose imagination we'll be visiting?"
What followed was bat-shit INSANITY. Pure hysteria. People called it, in a show of amazing wit and tit-for-tat, "Journey Into Your (Lack of) Imagination".

Hm.

Don't worry, I was right at the forefront as well. I'm pretty sure I wrote a pissy letter to Kodak the second I found out that Figment was demoted to a shitty cameo at the end of the ride.

ANYWAY.

Disney, in a rare occurance, decided that maybe 10,000,000,000 complaints can't be wrong, and shut down the ride just a week after its 2 year anniversary. They reopened it with most fans (myself included), hoping a Dreamfinder and Figment-filled journey would be waiting for us. What we got was significantly better than the previous iteration of the attraction, but still lacking in any sort of enjoyability. Dreamfinder was gone, still, with Eric Idle in his place. Figment played a much more significant role in the story - Disney even slapped his name on the ride as a white flag - but for some reason the show writers (perhaps in a show of bitterness towards the fans that demanded him) made him into kind of a...well, kind of a dick. He always pops up in front of Nigel, fucking up the whole show, to do something annoying.

Now, believe me, I don't like the character of Nigel Channing in my Imagination anymore than I like cockroaches in my tortellini (ew). But Figment just overdid it. He was annoying. He came off as a pest, instead of a fun-loving, childlike dragon. He was a pest that pooted in your face. Literally.
Nevertheless, fans have accepted this one, seeing as how if it didn't exist, we'd still have that God-awful shitmonster from the Millenium Celebration. Yet, we can't help but feel that some change is in the air. Shirts have popped up in shops with the Dreamfinder on them. Pins, and other little goodies are circulating, too. The cynic in me is pretty sure this is merely a marketing ploy for the recent 25 years of EPCOT deal that was going around. But still...we can dream, yeah? Besides, Disney's bound to get tired of all the bitching for a proper Dreamfinder return. There's still alot of people who haven't discovered what's become of their favorite EPCOT duo...


Anyway, that wraps up this piece. Leave comments, and let me know if you agree/disagree, or what your thoughts on recent/future rehabs are.

I'm gonna go watch Captain EO.

On rehabs and refurbishments, Part 1

So, first off, let me apologize for taking so damn long to post, but there's been much going on recently. Maybe this will make it better?



ANYWAY.

There hasn't been a lot going on in Orlando. Things are quiet, really, as Disney prepares to begin it's new blatant attempt to get your ass in the park "Celebration Vacation" event. But something's put me off a tad bit: the lack of refurbishments and rehabs in the park currently.

I know, I know. The economy is on hard times right now. This country is hemorrhaging money, and the last thing some companies can afford is to shove money into a new paint job for "it's a small world". But I was reading an article on ScreamScape today about the recent refurb for "Primeval Whirl", located in Chester and Hester's Din-O-Rama, AKA the most pointless fucking thing in the history of time.


According to the news bit, the coaster (which just came out of a lengthy rehab) got a shitload LESS than what was expected. Apparently, where people were hoping for better security fences and on-board photos, all they got was some minor tweaking with the brakes - tweaking that has actually made the efficiency of the loading system (however much of that there was previously) plummet: the number of cars has decreased, and the loadout time has increased. This is easily the most popular ride in the sub-land, and Disney has effectively fucked it up with a rehab that a) was uncalled for in the first place, and b) made things worse for not only the riders, but the cast members as well.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not necessarily mortified at this piece of news. See, I HATE HATE HATE this ride with a passion. I hate the entire "Din-O-Rama" land itself. Why? Because Animal Kingdom used to have a fairly balanced and consistent experience in its "Dinoland, USA". But then, for no reason but to increase traffic through the area, Disney Parks put one of the tackiest, cheapest fucking themed lands in the middle of the area. I've always hated how it's essentially as if they stripped a piece of the Boardwalk (which, don't get me wrong, is my favorite resort in WDW), and plopped it right outside of the doors to "Dinosaur".
Also, fuck every ride in there.
There are really only two: Triceratops Spin (another lameass Dumbo knockoff - why is Disney now copying the people that copy Disney?), and the aforementioned Whirl, which is the most painful ride Disney has to offer (and yes, I called it a "ride" as opposed to an "attraction", because that's what the fuck it is, unlike almost everything else offered in the parks). I mean that literally. Not since "Dreamchasers" (that horrid advertisement for GE in the postshow area for "Test Track") have I been in pain in Disney World like this. My neck gets snapped around every 5 fucking seconds.

ANYWAY.

Sorry to complain. The point is: Why is Disney pissing away money like this? It's near frivolous. Yes, the country is in a bad way, money-wise, and YES, we all know Disney has the money to fix up some old girls. I mean, for God's sake, this is Disney World! Plus, they're ridiculously keen on throwing away cash, since (again) they're squandering it on half-assed rehabs for shitty rides!

Seriously, where the FUCK is the rehab for the Norway pavilion? I know EPCOT Central did an article on this a few months ago, but it's been heavily on my mind since I last went to the pavilion in August. That place is falling the fuck apart.

I remember riding the Maelstrom, and being utterly appalled at the condition this place was in. Despite the fact that the line was a 20 or so minute wait to board, the interior of the attraction was just...heartbreaking. The paint was chipped away on alot of the walls, and the animatronics were slow to move, creaking and groaning, as if they weren't up to the challenge. The sound quality was pathetic; distorted noise and static were abound. I mean, I felt like I was in the goddamn "Country Bear Jamboree" (more on that in a second). And then there were the Cast Members. This is a sad lot. Whereas in France or Mexico, you have friendly, cheerful (occasionally) folks explaining where specifically they're from, the Norweigan guides are as slovenly and sad at the pavilion they're in. They don't give a shit whether you stay or go. As a matter of fact, they encourage you to leave.
What's that? You haven't seen the film?
Well, you're among the thousands a year who skip it too. I'd never watched it before this summer, but I decided to humor myself and see what it could be like.

Jesus fucking Christ, guys.

This movie simply is terrible. They could have put on a 5-minute clip from "Innerspace", and it'd be more current than this thing. The hair, the outfits, the music...it all perfectly reflects the care Disney is putting into the maintenance of the place. It's disrespectful. And I'd be a liar if I said my heart didn't sink to the point of near tears when I eyed the dedication plaque near the exit. All that hope and promise, slowly sinking away.

Then, there are the Country Bears.


Please, PLEASE GOD someone do something to this show. I'm not even going to say much; I feel it'd be unneccesary. This show absolutely NEEDS a rehab, a long stint in which literally every piece of robo-ursus gets thrown into scrap and started anew. Remaster the tracks and dialogue, and gussy up that shitty old theatre. I don't think it's as urgent as Norway, or the several other shows that need pick-me-ups, though. At least this one is goofy enough to the point that the broken condition it's in actually works with the theme of the show, overall. It's almost like the show is laughing at itself, with us. But that's the problem: We're laughing AT, not with.

Coming soon, Part 2! In which I (for once) point out some plusses in the "rehab" category, and what Disney can learn from them. Then, in part 3, I'll delve into some upcoming major rehabs, and how I feel about them (sneak peek: BOOO!). Until next time...