On rehabs and refurbishments, Part 1

So, first off, let me apologize for taking so damn long to post, but there's been much going on recently. Maybe this will make it better?



ANYWAY.

There hasn't been a lot going on in Orlando. Things are quiet, really, as Disney prepares to begin it's new blatant attempt to get your ass in the park "Celebration Vacation" event. But something's put me off a tad bit: the lack of refurbishments and rehabs in the park currently.

I know, I know. The economy is on hard times right now. This country is hemorrhaging money, and the last thing some companies can afford is to shove money into a new paint job for "it's a small world". But I was reading an article on ScreamScape today about the recent refurb for "Primeval Whirl", located in Chester and Hester's Din-O-Rama, AKA the most pointless fucking thing in the history of time.


According to the news bit, the coaster (which just came out of a lengthy rehab) got a shitload LESS than what was expected. Apparently, where people were hoping for better security fences and on-board photos, all they got was some minor tweaking with the brakes - tweaking that has actually made the efficiency of the loading system (however much of that there was previously) plummet: the number of cars has decreased, and the loadout time has increased. This is easily the most popular ride in the sub-land, and Disney has effectively fucked it up with a rehab that a) was uncalled for in the first place, and b) made things worse for not only the riders, but the cast members as well.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not necessarily mortified at this piece of news. See, I HATE HATE HATE this ride with a passion. I hate the entire "Din-O-Rama" land itself. Why? Because Animal Kingdom used to have a fairly balanced and consistent experience in its "Dinoland, USA". But then, for no reason but to increase traffic through the area, Disney Parks put one of the tackiest, cheapest fucking themed lands in the middle of the area. I've always hated how it's essentially as if they stripped a piece of the Boardwalk (which, don't get me wrong, is my favorite resort in WDW), and plopped it right outside of the doors to "Dinosaur".
Also, fuck every ride in there.
There are really only two: Triceratops Spin (another lameass Dumbo knockoff - why is Disney now copying the people that copy Disney?), and the aforementioned Whirl, which is the most painful ride Disney has to offer (and yes, I called it a "ride" as opposed to an "attraction", because that's what the fuck it is, unlike almost everything else offered in the parks). I mean that literally. Not since "Dreamchasers" (that horrid advertisement for GE in the postshow area for "Test Track") have I been in pain in Disney World like this. My neck gets snapped around every 5 fucking seconds.

ANYWAY.

Sorry to complain. The point is: Why is Disney pissing away money like this? It's near frivolous. Yes, the country is in a bad way, money-wise, and YES, we all know Disney has the money to fix up some old girls. I mean, for God's sake, this is Disney World! Plus, they're ridiculously keen on throwing away cash, since (again) they're squandering it on half-assed rehabs for shitty rides!

Seriously, where the FUCK is the rehab for the Norway pavilion? I know EPCOT Central did an article on this a few months ago, but it's been heavily on my mind since I last went to the pavilion in August. That place is falling the fuck apart.

I remember riding the Maelstrom, and being utterly appalled at the condition this place was in. Despite the fact that the line was a 20 or so minute wait to board, the interior of the attraction was just...heartbreaking. The paint was chipped away on alot of the walls, and the animatronics were slow to move, creaking and groaning, as if they weren't up to the challenge. The sound quality was pathetic; distorted noise and static were abound. I mean, I felt like I was in the goddamn "Country Bear Jamboree" (more on that in a second). And then there were the Cast Members. This is a sad lot. Whereas in France or Mexico, you have friendly, cheerful (occasionally) folks explaining where specifically they're from, the Norweigan guides are as slovenly and sad at the pavilion they're in. They don't give a shit whether you stay or go. As a matter of fact, they encourage you to leave.
What's that? You haven't seen the film?
Well, you're among the thousands a year who skip it too. I'd never watched it before this summer, but I decided to humor myself and see what it could be like.

Jesus fucking Christ, guys.

This movie simply is terrible. They could have put on a 5-minute clip from "Innerspace", and it'd be more current than this thing. The hair, the outfits, the music...it all perfectly reflects the care Disney is putting into the maintenance of the place. It's disrespectful. And I'd be a liar if I said my heart didn't sink to the point of near tears when I eyed the dedication plaque near the exit. All that hope and promise, slowly sinking away.

Then, there are the Country Bears.


Please, PLEASE GOD someone do something to this show. I'm not even going to say much; I feel it'd be unneccesary. This show absolutely NEEDS a rehab, a long stint in which literally every piece of robo-ursus gets thrown into scrap and started anew. Remaster the tracks and dialogue, and gussy up that shitty old theatre. I don't think it's as urgent as Norway, or the several other shows that need pick-me-ups, though. At least this one is goofy enough to the point that the broken condition it's in actually works with the theme of the show, overall. It's almost like the show is laughing at itself, with us. But that's the problem: We're laughing AT, not with.

Coming soon, Part 2! In which I (for once) point out some plusses in the "rehab" category, and what Disney can learn from them. Then, in part 3, I'll delve into some upcoming major rehabs, and how I feel about them (sneak peek: BOOO!). Until next time...

Things I Hate: Should "Great" really be in the title?

So, since I'm such a filthy cynic, I've decided I want a new feature on this blog: Things I Hate. This little number is a totally honest observation about something either well-loved (i.e. "The Country Bear Jamboree" needs to fucking be refurbished), or something that everyone has a complaint about (seriously, what the fuck is Chester and Hester's Din-O-Rama even about?). That said, this week's complaint goes to:

Balls to the people who came up with the concept for this ride. A bit of history: "The ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter" was an amazing attraction housed in the Interplanetary Convention Center in Tomorrowland. The plot? You're witnessing a demonstration of spectacular new technology from an ambitious - and sinister - intergalactic conglomerate. In the demonstration of X-S Tech's new Teletransportation device, you are greeted by what you believe is the company's chairman. Unbeknownst to you, Murphy's Law (every Imagineer's best friend) has intervened, and a hungry, clawed, winged, pissed-off motherfucker of an alien has been beamed down, right in front of your sweating faces. Before you can say "Spinlock", the alien has torn its way through the teleporter tube, an X-S Maintenance worker, and the power cords, all while it touches and snarls at you in a darkness only outer space can match. Just as you think you're lunch, one of X-S's scientists finds a way to lure the alien back and blow it the fuck up into satisfying chunks, to the relief of everyone in the tiny theatre-in-the-round.
Sound exciting?
Fucking right, it is! It was exciting, dark, a tad funny, suspenseful, and (most of all) terrifying. And the best thing? It was in the Magic Kingdom. The theme park where kids can ride Dumbo, fly with Peter Pan, shake hands with Mickey Mouse, and see a bunch of malfunctioning robo-bears guffaw their way through a blugrass extravaganza had a show where the blood of an innocent maintenance worker is poured on you while his screams are heard up above. It was the perfect escape from all the cutesy shit parents (or grown-ass folks looking for a good time) were surrounded by on all fronts. Unfortunately, the powers that be at WDI felt this attraction was too much. Walt wouldn't approve. It was terrifying to kids and even some adults. Never mind "It's Tough to Be A Bug"--that has synergy. We can gas children with fog while black widows and hornets attack them mercilessly, but they're surrounded by familiar characters.

There are no familiar characters in "Alien Encounter". So let's fix it. Let's create a show that seems more kid-oriented because of synergy, but is in essence the same fucking show.
What I'm saying here is, the huge change at "Alien Encounter" was NOT because of the content of the show. There are plenty of scary shows in Disney World. No, the changes occured were because right now, Disney is trying to Disney-fy all of the attractions there that are totally original. "The Living Seas" became "The Seas with Nemo and Friends". "El Rio de Tiempo" became "El Gran Fiesta Tour - Starring the Three Caballeros". Hell, even "it's a small world" is about to have it's artistic balls cut off in order to add an assload of Disney characters (as well as a "Hooray for America" sequence, but more on that later). Before we know it, "Journey Into Your Imagination" will remove Figment and toss in the Genie from Aladdin. "The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror" will replace the "Twilight Zone" atmosphere and shift to a "Suite Life of Zack and Cody" theme. Why not? It's cheaper than having to pay CBS all the time, and there's synergy galore!
However, Disney couldn't give "synergy" as a reason for changing a beloved attraction. The people won't understand, and the ones that do will be insulted. So they did something more insulting: they blamed the renovation on the content of the show. It had nothing to do with that! The show has all the terrifying effects "AE" did. Sure, there were no gross gags, like Maintenance One's death. But in place of that, a grosser gag: The little shit burps chili dog IN YOUR FACE. You're still in the same motion-restricting harnesses in the same darkness in the same theatre. The only thing that's changed is the plot (you're a security guard?) and the preshow (the once amazing character S.I.R. is now a bumbling, unfunny, annoying security chief robot whose name ends with the digits "90210" and - when he gets scared - takes a cue from "Finding Nemo" and claims "I think I just oiled myself." Har har har.). This show takes a concept that was great - scaring you using literally every sense you have - and dumbed it down so much it's reminiscent of an old "Family Guy" joke about Christina Aguilera: "You're an insult to every one of my senses. Even taste."
Disney did not want to have guests scared by an outsider, so they hired a cheap familiar entity to do it. They wrote this overnight, threw the show together - complete with poor animation and a finale that makes the whole show so pointless, it's like a spit in the face for spending the last 15 minutes there - and are reaping the benefits. Where an amazing show with the creativity and genius Disney lovers have come to expect once stood, there is now a piece-of-shit excuse for a merchandising opportunity. God knows you can sell more plush toys of Stitch than Skippy.
*Sigh*...when will Disney learn the theme parks are not mere extensions of fads the company holds rights to, but entertainment mediums of their own? They're beginning to remind me of another company...