Sunday, August 10, 2008

"Toon Disney" to become "Disney XD"; my life officially in shambles

I've been reading a lot of reports on teh internets about the upcoming demise of everyone's favorite crippled horse, Toon Disney.

See, for those of you who are unaware, Toon Disney was once a haven for those of us who absolutely hate the fucking garbage Disney channel has been airing. This was before "Hannah Montana", folks. This was around when shows like "Lizzie Mcguire" began generating steam as tween favorites. I remember a time in my childhood when (this was before we could get the channel in our house) Toon Disney was essentially the best thing about hotels in Disney World. Fuck atmosphere! I wanted "Gargoyles"! There was nothing like coming back to the hotel room after a long day at Magic Kingdom and watching "Bonkers" or "Marsupilami". Re-living the amazing cartoons of the past, before ADD-infused skullfuckery like "Jake Long: American Dragon" was born. So, imagine my dismay when, after a few months of finally getting the channel, a little monster named "Jetix" decided to move in with Toon Disney. This was not a mutual agreement. Toon Disney HATED Jetix, because Jetix was slowly stealing all of Toon Disney's precious on-air time. They were forced to live together, though, so Jetix made Toon Disney his bitch.

TD: "Jetix, what the fuck, 'Power Rangers' is NOT a cartoon! And what the hell is 'Super Monkey Robot Team Hyperforce Go!'?"
Jetix: "Shut up! Just for that, I start at FIVE P.M. NOW!"

Basically, while the Disney Channel was losing it's male boy demographic in favor of talentless teenyboppers like "Hannah Montana" or The Jonas Brothers or the "High School Musical" kids, Toon Disney was slowly getting more of this demographic. Disney saw that boys, when faced between watching "The Wizards of Waverly Place" or "Jackie Chan Adventures", opted to watch the latter. So, instead of just making The Disney Channel have a "Jetix" lineup every evening, the company decided to eliminate it altogether.
So, Toon Disney is safe now, right?
Toon Disney, which has been slowly fazed out over the last few years, is disappearing completely. It went from a veritable Fort Knox of brilliant cartoon nostalgia to a network that had to pick the best (read: most chronologically relevant - *coughcoughBuzzLightyearcough*) programs to show in the mornings so Jetix can spoon-feed our children with zany, cheaply made bastard cartoons like "Ying Yang Yo!"

So what's becoming of the network? Why, it's being revamped, of course! To none other than "Disney XD". What's "Disney XD"? Glad you asked! Disney realized that instead of having essentially one-half of a network devoted to boys while their flagship network is so popular with the princess crowd, why not balance things out? Let's make the channel 24-hour Jetix, but without the Jetix name (it needs to have that Disney ensignia somewhere!). How about something....extreme? Yeah, with an X! Xtreme Disney...XD! Sweet Jesus, the guy who worked on that project must have gotten a nice raise (I'm really assuming it stands for "Xtreme Disney", because what else does it mean? Is it a laughing emoticon?). So, fuck you, Toon Disney! No more "Darkwing Duck" for the kids, because now they're getting..."Aaron Stone"!

"Aaron Stone" is a brand-new comedy/drama show that will be the major deal for the network. What's the plot? Basically, this teenage guy is a spy in his spare time, but has to hide that while keeping a normal life.
I want everyone to stop and take a lonnnnng breath.
Now picture the fact that Disney is making money off of - essentially - taking a dump. "Aaron Stone" is just a male rehash of a popular show (guess!) and, needless to say, has already been done. Why not just call it "Jim Possible"? Or "The Famous Jett Jackson: Now in Caucasio-vision!"? See, Disney is, unfortunately, going to make a shitload of money off of this channel. Which is sad, because it certainly means that our old friend, Toon Disney, is going away for a long time, and may not come back.

There's always DVD...


Samuel said...

Ok this is officially the best rant I have seen. Thank you. Disney has litterally gone to hell and ain't coming back. Stars like hanna Montanna, Jonas Brother, Brenda Song, Dylan & Cody Spouse, and ughh Raven-Symone (and many many more!) have ruined Disney for the orriginal viewers. What ever happened to the classics? Does anyone remember a little number called Cinderella? Not Cinderella 2 or 3 or whatever shitty remake there at now. The original Cinderella. The one my parents watched and more than likely your parents watched.

Walt Disney is turning over in his grave thanks to you Disney. *thumbs up* (*cough* sellout *cough*)

Any comments on my comment send me an e-mail:

Anonymous said...

I was about to destroy the tv when i heard that toon disney is turning into disney xd. I bet that channel will suck even more than disney channel!!walt disney is starting to suck because of these stupid shows. I hope disney xd doesnt get any viewers because then maybe toon disney can be aired again..hopefully.....

AnonyMOUSE said...

I pray to God such a think happens, anonymous. However, chances are slim especially considering all the marketing Disney's been shoving into this one.

I'm curious, though, what Toon Disney's last day will be like. Maybe we'll get to see some old favorites make a last appearance. It'd be a nice bit of fan service to help us cope with this shit. At least until Disney - hopefully - pulls a "Boomerang" and gives us a new iteration of Toon Disney. But with the economy the way it is...again, chances are slim.

Adam said...

Can you imagine what would happen if Disney created something as good as Cinderella or Bambi or Jungle Book today? Something with a real live plot and smart writing and voices done by voice actors instead of screen actors? It would make all of Pixar's stuff look cheap.

I can't imagine it either. But I think it would be pretty damn interesting.

steet said...

I couldn't agree more. Being a fan of traditional animation myself, I just can't stand what Disney is doing nowadays. I surely hope that Princess & the Frog will be well-received, otherwise...

I have a few animation fansites, including a Talespin one - check it out!

Anonymous said...

Damn... people watch too much TV.

Anonymous said...

i think if its possible to wright a letter to Disney about bringing back toon Disney then they will consider it and maybe they will air it again
just saying

Anonymous said...

I hate Disney XD I hope you people in are not happy with all of these comments so let me say your channel Disney XD is the worst channel I had ever seen except for Tron:Uprising.

I hope Disney XD will add some old and new cartoons and delete some TV shows people do not enjoy.

Victor Cauley said...
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Victor Cauley said...
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Victor Cauley said...
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