Let's talk about the elephant in the room

So there are rumors that Disney World will be receiving a healthy update over the next five years. an update that will literally transform an area in the Magic Kingdom into something nearly unrecognizable. I'm sure many of you are familiar with these rumors. If not, I'll recap: Disney management is apparently going to stick a shitload of cash into Fantasyland and watch it evolve into a newer, better Fantasyland - as if money were a moonstone. These rumors actually started floating around several years ago, and they've appeared to go full-speed ahead, so I feel like I should share some thoughts. First, let's take a look at what the extensive rehab entails, via WDW News Today:

"Since WDW News Today launched in July 2007, we have reported on rumors that a Little Mermaid dark ride attraction was coming to Fantasyland to replace Pooh’s Playful Spot and Ariel’s Grotto. It is important to keep in mind that this rumor pre-dates any formal announcement that Disney’s California Adventure would be building this long-proposed Disneyland Paris attraction. It seems likely that construction will begin soon in the Magic Kingdom, and the announcement by Disney a few months ago that they were looking for a “one-Disney” experience only bolsters the idea of this voyage “under the sea” taking place on both coasts. If this major addition takes place, it will most likely do more than add a major E-Ticket to the park in late 2011/early 2012, but will also add a large Disney Princess store and meet-and-greet area at the attraction exit (thus allowing the Princesses to leave the perhaps doomed Mickey’s Toontown Fair). This large addition may also force “Dumbo: The Flying Elephant” attraction to move to a new location. If the Little Mermaid dark ride comes to be, we can expect the remainder of the Fantasyland expansion to take place over the 4-5 years following, including: a Mad Tea Party with a new covering reminiscent of Disneyland Paris, the replacement of Snow White’s Scary Adventure with a “Beauty and the Beast” dark ride, and the addition of a Seven Dwarves Mine Train roller-coaster on the land now occupied by the old Fantasyland Skyway building. Also amid the rumored changes for Fantasyland are new facades for most Fantasyland attractions, shedding the “medieval fair” setting, and new visual effects and upgrades being added to both The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh and Peter Pan’s Flight.

A competing (perhaps more current) concept follows the floor plans below (found on the Disney Report’s Soft Opening Blog), also adding Princess and Fairy themed areas with minor attractions while removing the entire north side of Mickey’s Toontown Fair. This plan also has Snow White’s Scary Adventure saved by building the Beauty and the Beast dark ride next door to a proposed “Gaston’s” restaurant. This would terminate the castle forecourt theme with a wall leading into the “deep woods” and lands themed to Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Dumbo, and Winnie the Pooh. This plan also includes similar upgrades (mentioned in the first paragraph) to the Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh, with a new facade matching the look of the Hundred Acre Woods and a new Pooh character meet and greet area across the path. I had not seen this particular version of the plans before this week, but they are quite a bit larger than the plans I had spoken about above, making me skeptical as to how genuine this drawing actually is. We’ll just have to sit back for a little while and wait to see when and where construction walls eventually rise in Fantasyland."

Did you get all that? Good.

First off, let me put this out there: as you may have noticed, I made the word "rumor" in bold throughout this entry. This is because I'm incredibly skeptical that all - if any - of this is going to come to fruition. This is exactly like that Project Gemini shit from 5 years back - the rumored rehab that would change literally every pavilion in the Future World area. The mere mention of "Time Chasers" today sends some into a coma. There is no official word, aside from a blueprint.

So what? This may very well have been fan-made. It's been done before. Which brings me to the first of my reasons to be skeptical about this project: the size makes NO FUCKING SENSE. Is it just me, or does it seem absolutely impossible to fit ALL of this into Fantasyland without fucking destroying parts of every touching land? True, most rumors cite that a chunk of Toontown will be destroyed to make way for the area, but that's not enough space. Someone (brilliantly) took this blueprint and layed it over an aerial shot of Fantasyland. Take a peek (from screamscape.com):

Yes, it COULD work. But this, again, is just a blueprint - and it's not even official! Even if it were, it still doesn't mean that every one of these proposed ideas will meet this sense of scale. The Mermaid attraction may very well end up needing twice the space it was planned for. Likewise, it may end up needing less. It's all up in the air.

Point 2) The money. Does Disney really have the kind of dough to afford this kind of renovation? We know Disney is fucking cheap. They refuse to spend a minimal amount to paint the fucking walls at the Maelstrom. So why spend so much on just one sector of a park? The big reason floating around is Harry Potter....the son of a bitch. Universal Studios Florida is using the Islands of Adventure park to create a space dedicated to "The Wizarding World" of this iconic character. I can't begin to say how smart of a business move this is, considering the popularity of the films (and even the novels, 2 years after book 7) is at a high. Disney is worried. This will surely drive away ticket sales, and send Orlando tourists to the cheaper, newly-updated Universal. But is it a cause for concern? Again, I'm a wee skeptical that Disney would pour money into 1/6th of Magic Kingdom just to combat the possible shift in tourism to Universal for a park roughly the same size as that 1/6th of land. Even so, WWoHP will open in roughly 2010. Groundbreaking began in 2007. Disney hasn't even announced any plans for a plan. Even if they hit the ground running and got at least ONE new attraction running by then, it'd still just be one attraction. Another money-related issue circulating (mainly at the forums at wdwmagic.com) is the threat of Disney shelving plans for other projects in other parks. Will this mean that the Monsters, Inc. Doorway Coaster won't happen? Of course not. Disney built Pixar place with plans for more than just Midway Mania. It's long been known the plans to turn Soundstage 1 into a coaster based on the hit film. It'd be foolish for Disney to shelve this one project alone in favor of the Fantasyland redux, let alone the rest of the planned attractions.

This project would alienate the rest of Magic Kingdom, as well as the rest of WDW for many years. But still, I won't believe anything until I hear an official announcement. It still makes no sense that, in the midst of a very expensive refurb for Space Mountain, and smaller refurbs for other shows (Ed. - Living With the Land? What the fuck? Thanks for telling us, guys...) they would have the money or the time to work on something this big. Maybe we'll get one or two of the planned attractions - The Little Mermaid dark ride has been in the rumor mill for a few years now - but I doubt there's anything to get our panties in a twist.

Long Live the King

As everyone in the entire world knows, Michael Jackson died just over 2 weeks ago. Therefore, I know I'm a little late to the party in remembering him, but later is better than never, and I feel like I need to say something.

Michael Jackson was the zenith in a world of entertainers. It's been said before: "He was simply the greatest entertainer of all time." No other artist inspired a generation is so many ways, but with seemingly so little effort. He was already a juggernaut at age 10, but his performance of "Billie Jean" at Motown 25 is what triggered his evolution into an unstoppable force of nature. He was catapulted into orbit, they say, and never came down.

Some of you may think I'm writing this to lead into a joke about "Captain EO", or the only reason I'm writing this entry is because of the show. It's true, his connection to Disney was strong and unmentionable without speaking of the incredibly popular show. But I don't really think about "EO" all too much when I think of his connection to Disney. Instead, I think of the 23-year old performer in an interview on the set of "Beat It". He discussed his love of Disney at length, and his having a room that replicates a scene from "Pirates of the Caribbean". He was endlessly fascinated with the magic and wonder of the theme parks, films, and characters the company created. I'm not just sad we've lost the perfect entertainer - I'm also sad that we've lost a fellow Disney enthusiast.

The fact that the world will never have another Michael Jackson makes this artist's passing the ultimate instance of not knowing what you have until it's gone. He ws a man of genius, dedication, talent, and purity who gave so much and only asked of so little. His music will live forever, and I know that he, much like Walt, left us too soon.

Let me know!

Before I say anything on this short entry, let me point out a small rumor that's been making the rounds for a few days. According to the boards at wdwmagic.com, Stitch's Supersonic Celebration is set to be closed.

A moment of silence for the greatest fucking rumor to appear in months.

Now, to the point: I'm considering expanding the blog a wee bit, and one of the bigger ideas I'm toying with is podcasting.

So, a query: If a "Project X" podcast were in existence, who all would listen? The response I get will probably have a large impact on whether I choose to do this or not. So let me know.

UPDATE: In response to a comment, I'll clarify a bit: The podcast would have a strict schedule, so don't expect infrequent posts in the vein of this blog. I'll be shooting for a weekly/bi-weekly show.

Wayne Allwine: 1947-2009

We meet again, my furry blue friend...

Well, here it is, via WDWNewsToday:



Hm.

Ok, a few things. First of all, Tomorrowland needs to be saved. Like fucking NOW. It's slowly losing what made it Tomorrowland, and the only thing left there that actually represents the area properly is Carousel of Progress. The rest is just Stitch and (the unbelievably misplaced) Monster's Inc. But aside from that, this show is pretty much what I expected. It's devoid of any real story or decently memorable entertainment, and is instead something to keep the 2-year-olds giggling. All the while you, the adult needing something to do until that Buzz Lightyear fastpass is good to go, stands and watches uncomfortably as you feel like someone is threatening your life if you don't dance. You don't - yet you're still really uncomfortable, and pray that fucking projection of Stitch doesn't call you out in front of everyone.

Ahem.

I was unsurprised at the host who overdid it to the point where I hoped he would be evaporated by those fucking robots, and who also came off like a sketchy dude who has a secret second life. There were the aforementioned robots who - again, I'm unsurprised - danced to a song that Disney got to use for barely any money. Finally, there's Stitch. To be completely honest, I chuckled once at a moment a little after two minutes into that video, and that's about it. To be honest, I'm getting really tired of this digital puppetry craze going around the Disney property. The show pretty much revolves around it, and it shows that the technology is still too shaky to use as a centerpiece. Have you seen "MILF"? And no, I'm not talking about your mom...right now. I'm talking about the Laugh Floor show, where most of the digital puppets looks like they're foreign film characters dubbed over. It's a great concept, yes, but it needs to be refined before we're turning the whole park into something along these lines. Speaking of, apparently Disney is planning on doing that. 'Scuse me while I kill myself.

In an article on MiceAge, Al Lutz talked about a new, "next-generation" RFID program to be used in Fantasyland (as a start). The program apparently would require guests to "fill out a survey form prior to their arrival, and then that information would be downloaded onto the RFID tag embedded in their tickets."

Two problems with this: 1) I don't know if many people would do it, especially the amount of people needed to justify this kind of change to the area. 2) Is this just for resort guests? What about people who purchase tickets at the front of the parks? The article mentions the survey as "prior to their arrival", so it must be something only set up for people who have a full vacation plan. Sucks for you, everyone else!**

I don't know. I'm probably reading too far into this. I'm sure they'll iron out whatever shit needs to be ironed out between now and when the ball gets rolling. I'm hoping that never happens, though, because this whole technology, again, is shaky. For anyone who's seen the "E.T. Adventure" at Universal Studios, the program is a little awkward. Sometimes E.T., in his old age, forgets to mention your name. Or he'll switch up the names of your car's passengers with another's. Sure, it's sometimes the ride technician's fault, but it's all in the technology being used. So imagine what can go wrong if Disney unveils a super-advanced version of this tech to use on a shitload of Fantasyland rides. Like digital puppetry, it's a great idea, but we can all presume that Disney will try to rush it into the parks before it's totally (or more than just "pretty") reliable.

I know that's alot of shit to digest, but to put it simply, Disney is yet again riding the gimmick wave. I can already see this failing. Also, aren't most of the rides in Fantasyland cheapish dark rides? Having a wooden Snow White that sways from side to side saying your name and asking how Manchester is doesn't have the same impact as if Figment were to say it.

Which (final point, I promise) makes me wonder: Are they only going to do this in the Magic Kingdom? Because aside from "Imagination!" in EPCOT Center, there are pretty much zero rides with speaking animatronics on them in WDW. Odd, right? Sure, there's "Dinosaur" or "Universe of Energy", but those are dinosaurs. This isn't "We're Back", dinosaurs don't fucking talk. You sure as hell can't have them address you in a 3D show; there are too many people. That just leaves Magic Kingdom, really. Maybe Mr. Potato Head in the line for "Midway Mania", but that's about it. Have they really thought this through?

WHEW.

OK, Andy Rooney-esque rant = done. I'm about to bring this bitch home, but let me wrap up by saying that I am NOT 23. Nor do I plan on being 23 anytime soon. Yes, the website has some occassionally nice articles, but the price to be an official member is almost as outrageous as this membership price. It's a blatant grab for cash in these economic troubling times, and I don't plan on drinking the Kool-Aid. I'm just fine reading my old copies of Disney Magazine, thank you.

**UPDATE: So, upon further review of the MiceAge article, it is pointed out that "WDI and TDA both see the ballooning population of Annual Passholders (APs) in Southern California as a prime audience for this technology," and "WDI has been scoping out scenes and specific animatronics in some of Anaheim's major E Ticket attractions to mock up concepts where an RFID tag in an Annual Pass would trigger special acknowledgements and plot twists for Passholders." Guess what, this idea FUCKING BLOWS. Plot twists? What? "Oh, guess what! Turns out the entire time, Aerosmith was dead! Thank God for that Annual Pass! Now the whole attraction makes sense!" Who will pay that much for a fucking talking plank that somewhat resembles Pinocchio to say your name and thank you for paying Disney so they could afford to open ANOTHER HORRIBLE RIDE?
Chalk up another money-pissing plan for Disney! Hats off to you, you stupid bastards!

...I need a nap.

Who remembers "Even Stevens"?

Me = going to hell.

Sorry about the lack of posts, all - in the next day or two I'll be back with a complete post, concerning my opinions on D23, some rumors I read about RFID, and some other shit - who knows?

Stay tuned...

What the fuck crawled up Jim Hill's ass?

I highly considered just leaving this post as-is, with no text in the body. Just the title, and a link to the article on Jim Hill Media that I read this morning. "Let 'em gather their own opinions!" I said. But I feel like I have to vent some frustration I'm feeling right now.

Fuck Jim Hill.

I've never really been a big fan of Hill, but in the past my reasons have been petty. I hate his writing style (where - if you look at any article he's written - Jim does things like make ridiculously long parenthetical statements. Statements like this one. In which he writes up to an entire paragraph inside of the parentheses, breaking it up with frequent hyphens - like this - and periods to break up his thought. By the time he ends said parenthetical statement, you have no idea what the hell he was talking about before he started it). I hate his almost Rush Limbaugh-esque approach to Disney. He has a very specific viewpoint on every little thing, and God forbid you should try to change his mind. I don't have a problem with his having an opinion (that'd make me a hypocrite), but I wish he would for ONCE look at things from another perspective that isn't the Almighty Jim Hill's.

But those were, again, petty issues that I took up with the site. Until today. I was skimming different Disney news sites when I stumbled upon a new article Hill himself wrote, concerning the recent "small world" refurb in Anaheim. I've already shared my opinion on these changes, but I was curious to see what Hill might have to say.

What resonated through my head while reading the article (which you should read before I continue), was a definitive feeling of "What the fuck."

A play-by-play:

"Last week, I got e-mails from a bunch of West Coast Disneyana fans who were hoping that JHM might champion their cause...As politely as possible, I told those people 'No.'"
-OK, so Jim sets himself up immediately as some sort of God that Disneyana fans come begging to on their hands and knees. "They want me to 'champion' their cause," I can hear Hill thinking, "the foolish peons!" The start of this article is the equivalent of a high school student bragging to his friends to make himself seem cooler. "Stacey totally begged me to go to the dance with her, but I was all, 'No, bitch!'" Great start, Jim!

"I told those people 'No.' Pretty much for the same reason that I didn’t join last year’s 'Save the Rainforest' campaign. Because – to be perfectly honest here – I thought that Disneyland’s 'small world' redo was a pretty stupid thing to get all worked up about."
-Again, Jim sets himself upon a pedestal and spits on the faces of anyone who has asked him for help with a cause. If you went to ask a person of note - whose voice is heard by at LEAST several people - for help organizing a campaign, or a rally, and they said "That's pretty fuckin' stupid," would you put up with that? I, personally, would fucking pulverise them. That's just me, though.

"Mind you, one of the reasons that I feel that way is that I’m lucky enough to know Alice Davis."
-Name Drop!

"That Disney Legend who – along with her husband, Marc, and their good friend Mary Blair – helped to create the original version of 'it's a small world' for the 1964 New York World Fair."
-Name Drop times 2! If you want to seem important, you have to drop the SHIT out of those names. And then condescendingly tell your readers who they are, in case the poor things are clueless.

"Care to guess what her reaction to the revamped ride was?"
-No, Jim! Tell me! I'm DYING to know!

*Alice then makes a pretty valid point about "Young Turks" coming in and changing shit up. Which I don't disagree with. Then, things get weird.*

"Which is why WDI is so lucky to have Kim Irvine. She’s a very talented person. Kim was born with a Disney spoon in her mouth. Her father-in-law was Dick Irvine and her mom was Imagineer Leota Toombs. Leota was one of the first Imagineers. Kim’s mother was one of the nicest people you’d ever want to meet. Toombs was generous and sincere, and she taught Kim to know & respect all the early Disney artists like Mary Blair."
-Even Alice Davis is dropping those names! But the problem is, despite the fact that we all know who Leota Toombs is, that means essentially nothing. You can be raised into a family of atheists and want to be a nun.

"So I take my hat off to Kim. It’s not 'small world' as it was before. But Kim did the best possible job with what she was given, and I’m very proud of her. I can’t think of anyone who would have handled the 'small world' redo project as well as she did. Kim did what she could to keep this attraction as 'small world'-like as possible. She was very clever with how she did that. But instead of appreciating all of that effort, everybody is up in arms."
-Did Kim Irvine fucking write this herself? First of all, if Alice Davis and Jim Hill are so obsessed with jumping on this attraction's dick, why is Kim Irvine the ONLY person they mention? I'd hate to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but I almost think that they weren't too happy with the prospect of this refurb, and found a positive (in their eyes) element to attract attention to. No mention of Tony Baxter or Joe Rohde, etc. If they're proud of the work that was done on a task that's a horrible idea, why not say that? Why set yourseves up like you're rooting for the little guy? Re-read that quote from Alice Davis. "Kim did the best possible job with what she was given." That should speak volumes.
Ed. - I still fucking hate the job that Kim Irvine did, because those new "dolls" make this ride scarier than "Alien Encounter".

"Kim Irvine did a wonderful job here and the general public needs to understand & appreciate that. Sure, this was a project that was started by a committee. But that committee was smart enough to hand this project off to an artist who actually understood this attraction and really respected the people who originally created 'it’s a small world.' Which is why this redo turned out as well as it did."
-More Kim Irvine love. If she respected the people that understood this attraction, she would have put her foot down and refused to put Disney characters in this show.

"A lot of people decided before they even rode the revised version of 'it’s a small world' that they were going to hate it. Well, to them I say, 'Get a key and open your minds.'"
-Hey, Alice? Maybe everyone decided this idea sucked before it opened because it FUCKING DID. And still does. It's funny that you tell us to "open our minds" when you're speaking on behalf of a company that refuses to open any new attraction without some familiar character's face all over it.

"So long story short here: If Alice Davis is okay with the changes that have been made to Disneyland’s newly-character-fortified version of 'it’s a small world,' then I’m okay with them too."
-So you need the fact that someone else agrees with your (still not fully-formed) opinion to openly express it yourself? Hm...I think the word we're looking for in this case is "spineless". Even for Jim Hill's radical-approach-on-Disney ass.

This whole thing still makes me feel like all these old Imagineers popping up and speaking in defense for the show aren't really speaking for themselves. With idiots like Jim Hill prodding them on, that won't change.

So Jim, great job on alienating an entire fanbase with one random opinion to back up your own.

Oh, one last quote from the article:
"And as for those of you who still have your knickers in a twist over this non-issue … I believe that William Shatner – in his somewhat infamous appearance on 'Saturday Night Live' back in December of 1986 – put it best: 'Get a life, willya?'"

Hahahahahaha! Hey, Jim?

FUCK YOU.