The Problem With Plot

One of the things I love most about Disney parks is the fact that elaborate stories are always present in one way or another. Almost everything in the parks has a back story, no matter how much visitors know about the source material. However, in the last few years, story has slowly taken a backseat to interesting and cutting-edge effects, as well as keeping the attention of the audience. Where there used to be attractions with fantastic subplots and enough background story to fill multiple attractions, there are now many elements of the parks that have visitors scratching their heads, wondering just what the fuck happened.

Let's take a brief look at the show I always pick on, "Stitch's Great Escape", which I consider to have some of the worst and laziest show writing in the history of Disney parks. The plot to Flight to the Moon/Mission to Mars was simple: You were going from Earth into outer space. The plot to "Alien Encounter" was a little more complex, but still simple: You were viewing a demonstration of XS-Tech's technology in a live, intergalactic demo. Now, let's get to the "Escape". Where, exactly, are we? Are we in space or on Earth? We must STILL be on Earth, since the show doesn't tell you at any point that you've somehow traversed the galaxy by walking into the preshow lobby. Why does Stitch (who calls himself "Stitch", despite the fact that this is a prequel to the film) go to Florida, if that's where we already are? Surely you can't claim that suspension of disbelief is called for, since Disney World plainly exists - Stitch either goes into Cinderella's Castle or on the Astro Orbiter. Also, since we're recruits for the security program, why are we strapped down for the entirety of the show? What kind of prison keeps the guards locked in their seat while the prisoner is in the room with them?

SIGH.

I get tired of talking about that fucking show so much. Let's try another one.

-One of the things that's always confused me about Mission: SPACE is where, exactly, we are. We're on Earth at the beginning, and I'm pretty sure this is a flight-training program, isn't it? So why are we on Mars at the end? Lieutenant Dan very plainly says "welcome to Mars", right? What the hell is going on?

-DINOSAUR has visitors going back in time to save an Iguanadon from extinction, for....what reason? The character of Seeker tells us that the specific Iguanadon we are to save (he marked it with a tracker, which makes you wonder why he couldn't get it himself) holds "the key to understanding these magnificent creatures." ....What? Wait, huh? Why that one, specifically? Also, I assume that the time travel would have been tested before they allow us to ride, so couldn't this have been done several times in the past? Also, why did we go back to the point in time where the asteroids were literally hitting the planet? Despite the fact that I love this attraction, it still makes no sense.

...The list goes on. Many would complain that these plot problems are easily forgivable, considering that these are theme parks. But just as people pay money to see a film with a coherent plot, some people (like me) enjoy getting the same out of these attractions.

There's an infinite amount of story floating around Disney World, and some of it isn't even told. Take this story found on Wikipedia (but paraphrasing a story told in the Hyperion book "Walt Disney Imagineering") about Blizzard Beach, for example:

"The theme of the park is the "Disney legend" of a freak snowstorm in the area, leading to the construction of Florida's first ski resort. Naturally, the snow didn't last long, leaving behind a collection of waterlogged but snow-less ski jumps and chair lifts. The failed resort was in the process of closing for good when an alligator was seen sliding down a flume and splashing into a pool of water, screaming "Yahoo!" Thus the "ski resort" was reborn as a water park, with the alligator (named "Ice Gator") as mascot."

No one really HAS to know that information, but the Imagineers cooked it up, anyway, just in case people were curious about why there's a blizzard-themed water park in central Florida. The same goes for "Big Thunder Mountain" (from the same source, though this excerpt is missing a bit of story told in the book):

"Some time in the late 1800s, gold was discovered on Big Thunder Mountain in the American Southwest. Overnight, the small mining town [of Tumbleweed] became thriving mining towns. Mining was prosperous and an extensive line of mine trains were set up to transport the ore. Unbeknownst to the settlers, the Mountain was a sacred spot to local Native Americans and was cursed. Before long, the settlers' desecration of the mountain caused...a flash flood, which befell the mines and town and they were abandoned. Some time later, the locomotives were found to be racing around the mountain on their own, without engineers or a crew. The Big Thunder Mountain Railroad was founded in the old mining camp to allow tourists to take rides on the possessed trains."

There's no big video that tells you this. There isn't a narration, or anything of the sort. It's just backstory created for the purpose of good storytelling.

While some of the attractions made currently have interesting and creative storylines (I've always thought the Laugh Floor Comedy Club did an ok job with the story), attractions today seem to either eschew plot or throw it together as quickly as possible.

Next time, I'll talk about the art of pre-shows and post-shows, and where they are now. Until next time...

Things I Hate: Should "Great" really be in the title?

So, since I'm such a filthy cynic, I've decided I want a new feature on this blog: Things I Hate. This little number is a totally honest observation about something either well-loved (i.e. "The Country Bear Jamboree" needs to fucking be refurbished), or something that everyone has a complaint about (seriously, what the fuck is Chester and Hester's Din-O-Rama even about?). That said, this week's complaint goes to:

Balls to the people who came up with the concept for this ride. A bit of history: "The ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter" was an amazing attraction housed in the Interplanetary Convention Center in Tomorrowland. The plot? You're witnessing a demonstration of spectacular new technology from an ambitious - and sinister - intergalactic conglomerate. In the demonstration of X-S Tech's new Teletransportation device, you are greeted by what you believe is the company's chairman. Unbeknownst to you, Murphy's Law (every Imagineer's best friend) has intervened, and a hungry, clawed, winged, pissed-off motherfucker of an alien has been beamed down, right in front of your sweating faces. Before you can say "Spinlock", the alien has torn its way through the teleporter tube, an X-S Maintenance worker, and the power cords, all while it touches and snarls at you in a darkness only outer space can match. Just as you think you're lunch, one of X-S's scientists finds a way to lure the alien back and blow it the fuck up into satisfying chunks, to the relief of everyone in the tiny theatre-in-the-round.
Sound exciting?
Fucking right, it is! It was exciting, dark, a tad funny, suspenseful, and (most of all) terrifying. And the best thing? It was in the Magic Kingdom. The theme park where kids can ride Dumbo, fly with Peter Pan, shake hands with Mickey Mouse, and see a bunch of malfunctioning robo-bears guffaw their way through a blugrass extravaganza had a show where the blood of an innocent maintenance worker is poured on you while his screams are heard up above. It was the perfect escape from all the cutesy shit parents (or grown-ass folks looking for a good time) were surrounded by on all fronts. Unfortunately, the powers that be at WDI felt this attraction was too much. Walt wouldn't approve. It was terrifying to kids and even some adults. Never mind "It's Tough to Be A Bug"--that has synergy. We can gas children with fog while black widows and hornets attack them mercilessly, but they're surrounded by familiar characters.

There are no familiar characters in "Alien Encounter". So let's fix it. Let's create a show that seems more kid-oriented because of synergy, but is in essence the same fucking show.
What I'm saying here is, the huge change at "Alien Encounter" was NOT because of the content of the show. There are plenty of scary shows in Disney World. No, the changes occured were because right now, Disney is trying to Disney-fy all of the attractions there that are totally original. "The Living Seas" became "The Seas with Nemo and Friends". "El Rio de Tiempo" became "El Gran Fiesta Tour - Starring the Three Caballeros". Hell, even "it's a small world" is about to have it's artistic balls cut off in order to add an assload of Disney characters (as well as a "Hooray for America" sequence, but more on that later). Before we know it, "Journey Into Your Imagination" will remove Figment and toss in the Genie from Aladdin. "The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror" will replace the "Twilight Zone" atmosphere and shift to a "Suite Life of Zack and Cody" theme. Why not? It's cheaper than having to pay CBS all the time, and there's synergy galore!
However, Disney couldn't give "synergy" as a reason for changing a beloved attraction. The people won't understand, and the ones that do will be insulted. So they did something more insulting: they blamed the renovation on the content of the show. It had nothing to do with that! The show has all the terrifying effects "AE" did. Sure, there were no gross gags, like Maintenance One's death. But in place of that, a grosser gag: The little shit burps chili dog IN YOUR FACE. You're still in the same motion-restricting harnesses in the same darkness in the same theatre. The only thing that's changed is the plot (you're a security guard?) and the preshow (the once amazing character S.I.R. is now a bumbling, unfunny, annoying security chief robot whose name ends with the digits "90210" and - when he gets scared - takes a cue from "Finding Nemo" and claims "I think I just oiled myself." Har har har.). This show takes a concept that was great - scaring you using literally every sense you have - and dumbed it down so much it's reminiscent of an old "Family Guy" joke about Christina Aguilera: "You're an insult to every one of my senses. Even taste."
Disney did not want to have guests scared by an outsider, so they hired a cheap familiar entity to do it. They wrote this overnight, threw the show together - complete with poor animation and a finale that makes the whole show so pointless, it's like a spit in the face for spending the last 15 minutes there - and are reaping the benefits. Where an amazing show with the creativity and genius Disney lovers have come to expect once stood, there is now a piece-of-shit excuse for a merchandising opportunity. God knows you can sell more plush toys of Stitch than Skippy.
*Sigh*...when will Disney learn the theme parks are not mere extensions of fads the company holds rights to, but entertainment mediums of their own? They're beginning to remind me of another company...