Fuffy the Disney Dog to Appear at EPCOT!

I never feel more old than when a new cultural phenomenon sweeps a country and I have to Google it to find out what it is. It's been happening a lot lately; Disney seems to cash in on a hot new thing once every week these days. I don't usually give a shit, though, because most of these things are either super-terrible or super-terrible. Imagine my utter chagrin, then, when I should find out that various Disney theme parks are getting a new walk-around character - "Duffy the Disney Bear." My first thought upon seeing any of these headlines was, "Meh." But that casual indifference slowly evolved into annoyance that I was seeing so much about this damned bear, until all thoughts toward the matter culminated with the shrill shriek of a harpy, screaming, "What the fuck is a Duffy the Disney Bear?" I turned to an old friend - one who knows far more than I ever will - and asked him to put an end to this miserable confusion. "Tell me, Google!" Google turned to me, glass of brandy in one hand, pipe in the other, and smiled. "Dear boy, he's a GOD." My attention was directed to 322,000 results for my query, and I was lucky enough to see that the second one had an answer for me. According to an article in The Orlando Sentinel:

As the story goes, Duffy was made for Mickey Mouse by Minnie Mouse so he wouldn’t be lonely when he set sail on a long sea voyage. Mickey carried the special teddy bear in his duffel bag, which inspired his name. The pair had great adventures and made many wonderful memories on their trip around the world. Duffy is already hugely popular at Tokyo DisneySea, and he’ll arrive at Epcot and Disney California Adventure on Oct. 14 during grand opening ceremonies.

So Duffy The Disney Bear (aptly named because of Mickey's propensity to leave cherished items of goodwill from loved ones in duffel bags) is a smash hit in Tokyo, where people apparently die at his adorable, cotton-stitched feet. It should only make sense that Gym Baggy come stateside this October, presumably only for a few months, seeing as how Mickey's on R&R from doing service, and God knows he has recurring nightmares about killing all those people, which would explain why we may eventually see a lot less Mickey, and a lot more Sacky.

Why should this matter? Why should we care? Because while CERTAIN buildings in EPCOT remain unused due to (presumably) financial reasons, Disney is bringing in a totally unrecognizable face into the parks, spending money on marketing this adorable plush teddy bear in a Stay-Puft outfit to our youth. Get ready, folks - Nuffy the Disney Something-or-other is coming!