Project X

Oh Dear God, No

2011-09-20T20:11:00.002-05:00

This morning, I was looking at my Twitter feed, not really expecting anything serious to catch my attention, when all of a sudden I found myself spewing chocolate milk ALL OVER my computer because HOLY CRAP WHY:

"Bob Iger and Tom Staggs just announced a long-term creative partnership with James Cameron's Lightstorm Entertainment and Fix Filmed Entertainment to bring the fantasy world of AVATAR to life at Disney Parks. And it'll all begin at Disney's Animal Kingdom at Walt Disney World Resort."

Really? Really? Excuse my extremism, but isn't this idea a tad bit insane? I know "Avatar" made boatloads upon boatloads of money all over the world for maybe 15 consecutive months, and it was a favorite among people looking for our generation's "Star Wars," but is this seriously a fine way to go? This partnership makes absolutely no sense.

I'll go ahead and put this out there: I hated hated hated "Avatar." I thought it was tacky, over-rated, boring, long, dumb, loud, and obnoxious. It lacked any real original thematic ideas, and while the world of Pandora had some interesting creative concepts, it just wasn't enough to keep me enthralled for two hours. I'm a huge James Cameron fan, I love "Aliens" and "Terminator 2," so I was excited beyond belief for this movie up until seeing it, but it left me feeling disappointed. Thinking it was a fluke, I went one more time to make sure I just wasn't letting a bad mood or something affect the experience. Nope. I disliked it more the second time. It was just....bleh. I didn't understand why everyone in the world was so obsessed with it, and why it was so well-received among sci-fi film fan circles. It just wasn't all there.

But this isn't a review of "Avatar." Just know that I hate it. So I'm not crazy about this idea. But tons of people love "Avatar," so they'll eat this up, I suppose. It just doesn't make sense that of all of the movies in the entire world to base a theme park land off of, this is the one. Sure, it made more money than anyone could have imagined, but that can't be enough of a justification (for TDO, it may actually be). I can easily imagine what the attractions will be like here, and it all seems so...Universal Studios-esque. Not that I'm ragging on the Studios, but it just doesn't seem like Disney Parks to take a movie that's not Disney-made and base an entire land of a theme park on it. And Animal Kingdom, of all parks! I know it ties in well with the "conservation" theme, but in a park that's built on a lot of simple, legitimate, non-gimmicky ideas (and some terribly gimmicky ideas - Chester & Hester, I'm looking at you) it doesn't seem sensible to slap an entire land based on "Avatar" in the middle of everything.

I'll give Disney Parks credit - they did a damn good job of concealing these plans from the public until they were ready to make an announcement. Everyone was hoping for an Animal Kingdom expansion at some point, but I don't think this is the one they were hoping for. In an effort to combat the business Universal is doing with "Harry Potter," they decided to go with an idea that seems hastily thrown together and a bit ostentatious. At least construction won't start until 2013; we still have a few more years with Animal Kingdom as it is.

Au revoir, Balzac!

2011-07-12T10:21:00.007-05:00

First Fantasyland, then HISTA, now this?! According to recent reports, the hilarious and adorable Balzac ball kiosks spread throughout Disney World are on their way out. This saddens me, folks! The Balzac stands have become an institution in the parks, not unlike Dole Whips or issues with the Monorail. Honestly, can anyone remember a time they were walking through the parks, enjoying the scenery, and weren't pelted repeatedly in the head and chest with inflatable balls of varying size? It was a magical experience! And of all the cast members trained to essentially perform in their own environments -- the bellhop at Tower of Terror, the Tour Guide on The Great Movie Ride, or even someone performing maintenance around Tomorrowland -- none were better at sucking you into the atmosphere than the Balzac salespeople. Standing around playing with giant balloons required such rapt focus, such attention to detail and nuance that any visitor to the park would immediately be enamored with their plight. And those amazing balls were so vividly designed! With nearly every color imaginable streaked across a single ball, the mere sight of one evoked a Technicolor nightmare - a streaming fury of unabashed contrast emblazoned across a spherical symbol of resistance and power, like a collage of LSD-inspired fireworks thrown onto the heaving shore of our collective subconscious. The only thing that improves this piece of pure art is the word "Balzac" scrawled across the face of the ball, written with sharp, jagged edges, piercing the eyes with a mere glance. The fiery letters burn into the retina like the first time one reads Kerouac, or sees "Citizen Kane." It's a beautiful nightmare, twisted and raw, an orgy of fear and joy and hope and hatred.

I, for one, will miss Balzac and all it brought with it. If we could get something that comes close to filling the void left by these kiosks, we should all consider ourselves incredibly blessed.

My GOD, I want one of these.

So, I've gone and done it...

2011-03-10T14:24:00.002-06:00

Just a brief update as I knock out a new article ("Why it takes so long for me to write - a look into laziness") - I just launched a Twitter, which I plan on using to write thoughts on smaller goings-on that a blog post is just too big for. You can follow me @projectxblog.

I want "TRON," dammit!

2010-12-10T10:07:00.007-06:00

As many of you know, "TRON: Legacy" is slated to hit theatres next week. That's pretty damn soon. I haven't seen the original in 5 or so years, and (like many of you, I'm sure) I know some folks who are interested in the sequel but haven't seen the original yet. So two days ago, I saunter into my local Best Buy and try to find it. Nothing. This is odd, because I swear I saw copies of it six months ago for ten bucks on the shelves. I try searching for it on their computer: still nothing. The next day, at FYE, I try the same thing, to no avail. I figure, "Whatever, I'm sure it's because all the other "TRON"-lovers and newcomers caught in the hype are buying all the available copies." So I go to Amazon, and fond that a used copy of the movie costs $65. SIXTY-FIVE DOLLARS. "Holy shit," I think to myself. New copies? In the hundreds. What is the deal?

I go to some other retailers and find similar results. The quoted price on Barnes & Nobles' page was $200 (though I thought that was normal for them). So finally, I go to Disney.com and try finding "TRON". I click the "Buy" link, and am promptly taken back to their main page. This sucks. What the hell happened here?

I start to scour the brain-trust of the internet and find several possible explanations, most of which are based thoroughly in conspiracy theory. They report the same things I've found: high prices online, out of stock everywhere, Netflix doesn't have it, etc. Some have claimed that Disney is withholding the DVD/Blu-Ray for a 2011 release, which makes no sense at all. It's studio nature - nay, policy - to "double dip" a DVD and/or release a Blu-Ray in sync with the sequel/prequel/whatever to that film's theatrical release. So why wait until next year to do it? According to Blue Sky Disney, "Word has it that earlier this summer the original Tron was screened at one of the theme parks and was laughed at by people who had not seen the original film and mocked it for its now-outdated effects and silly attire of leotards and hockey helmets parodied by the infamous 'Tron Guy.' Rumor has it that some Disney execs witnessed their reactions and it made them very, very nervous."

So wait a fucking second: The same company* that decided to bring back "Captain EO" for an extended run in several theme parks doesn't want to put out something that looks dated and slightly corny? I know, I know, Disney's only reason to re-release "TRON" would be to generate more advance hype for the sequel, whereas re-releasing "Captain EO" did nothing (except cash in on someone's death), but seriously. I think the "TRON" marketing machine is past having to worry about crossing the decency line.

I don't really see any reason for Disney to be nervous or worried about how the original film is going to affect ticket sales of the sequel. You've done a fine job promoting the living hell out of "Legacy", and I'm pretty sure anyone unfamiliar with the film's predecessor who planned on seeing it won't have their minds changed this late, or - better yet - won't be turned off by watching the original.

I have doubts that the situation is as dramatic as some people are trying to make it, turning Disney into an Alan Moore-esque government trying to hide the fact that "TRON" ever existed. But keeping it completely off of shelves this close to the sequel's release is, no matter what the reason, a really dumb move. It's an amazing movie, and I would really like to watch it again.

So please, Disney: fucking give us "TRON" back.

*I know, Disney Parks and Disney Home Entertainment are two totally different divisions/entities. But you'd imagine there'd be some sort of cohesion here, right? ....Right?

Things I Love: Illuminations

2010-10-23T12:06:00.021-05:00

Every once in a while, it's important to stop being such a cynical ass and take note of the things that still draws me to Disney World year after year. Here's one of the things I love.

It all starts with a drum roll. Not a lame, "snare-drum" roll like what you would hear as the 20th Century Fox logo appears, but an actually powerful, intimidating, pounding of drums. It's almost tribal in it's presentation, yet there's more to it than that. If anything, it's the opening to mankind itself; the savage, exploding drums that signify the chaotic beginning to Earth itself. By the time any comfort sets in towards the echoing beat, a screaming fleet of sparks flow through the sky, and touch down as our story begins.

Not too many night-time shows have stories, but many at Disney parks surprisingly (or, to some, not surprisingly) do. These stories can range from a classic tale of good versus evil, to a more pleasant yarn about fantasies and dreams. Since I first saw it in 2000, "Illuminations: Reflections of Earth" has been the single most powerful nightime show seen in Disney World - not just for it's ability to draw enormous crowds night after night who are as instantly sucked in as you are, but for it's amazing simplicity, special effects, and the grand story it tells by merely using fireworks, music, and a globe.

Image from sptimes.com

The show can have many interpretations, but the one I love is the idea that the entire show represents the journey of human life on Earth. Once those pounding drums commence, signifying the cataclysmic "bang" of our planet's - and humankind's - beginnings, it's a thrilling ten-minute journey through the joys of birth, the love of life, the sorrow of loss, and the will to move on. The tempo and mood of the music reflects this journey in an epic and satisfying way.

I love the music here. Love, love love it. The first time I saw the soundtrack in a gift shop in World Showcase, I picked up a copy and listened to it for ages. To me, it meant so much - and has stuck with me to this day (even as I type this, the music is in my head). If I were to rank my favorite scores from any WDW show out there, this one would be in my all-time top 3. That's how amazing it is in my eyes.

I've never been a big fireworks person, but the way in which the pyrotechnics match so well with the music gives me chills every time I see it. Honest-to-God goosebumps. It's done so perfectly - most especially toward the end, during "We Go On", with the sounds of every instrument playing together in the climactic finale, all in perfect synchronization with what seems like hundreds of lights shooting into the sky and falling to the ground. It's absolutely jaw-dropping.

Effects - wise, the reveal of the giant LCD globe on the water is also incredibly impressive, more so when it opens to reveal the flame (that could represent so much, from the un-extinguishable unity we share to the idea that we must do our part to keep the flame burning forever) in the center.

Never has such a torrent of varying emotions been experienced during one, single nigh-time show. "Illuminations: Reflections of Earth" represents everything EPCOT stands for, and everything we should take from it. To simply call it a "fireworks show" is a tremendous injustice; this is so much more. It's a journey of our shared existence on this Earth and the joys we all can celebrate as one.

You Can Help Change This Site!

2010-10-20T22:28:00.006-05:00

Here's the deal --

I want to change the URL of this site from "projectx-anonymouse-toomanyletters.blahblah.blah" to something a little more.....calm. Something that's easy to remember, and simpler. I could use just "Project X" or "Anonymouse", but here's the deal:

"projectx.blogspot.com" is a now-defunct blog that was last updated on May 23, 2001. That means if you went back in time to this blog posting, 9/11 wouldn't have happened yet and Mickey Rooney would only be 102. The site was intended to be some sort of secret-special gamer convention news-site thing, and it looks like that worked out really well.

"anonymouse.blogspot.com" is a blog titled "Anonymouse E" run by someone named Emily, who didn't understand the point of remaining anonymous on a blog. The blog has no posts, although "E" also contributed to a blog titled "Diary of a gay boy...," which hasn't been updated since August 14, 2002. If my girlfriend had any say, I could probably make that my blog title.

My options are limited, unless I wanted to make my URL something totally vague and weird-sounding, like "oddsandends" or "deepfriedquixote". So I ask you, team: what should my new URL be? What would roll off the tongue in an easier, more palatable way than "longandirremarkablewordsthatarenotmemorableinanyway.blogspot.com"? Leave your suggestions in the comments, and the winner gets a free coffee mug, or something. I don't know.

Oh, Jesus Christ

2010-09-27T12:46:00.007-05:00

Every year (what feels like every 6 weeks) Disney rolls out some harebrained scheme to get more people to go to the parks, and usually they're nothing short of "meh." The harebrained schemes are underwhelming, as if Disney Parks was some kooky sitcom uncle who, in every episode, gets a new idea for a get-rich-quick outfit, and the next 22 minutes are watching nothing but HIJINX. Except here, 22 minutes is about 12 months, and HIJINX are just people face-palming. A few days ago, Disney Parks invited a small group of people (Russian drug czars, I'm told) to New York so they could sit and watch Tom Bergeron - host of "America's Funniest Videos of People Getting Hit in the Balls" - make unfunny jokes about things that have nothing to do with Disney Parks. Speculation was rampant (they were liveblogging the thing, for Christ's sake!), with many people assuming big changes were underway for the parks. Instead, Disney laid down the groundwork for another year of gimmicky bullshit.

The "Let the Memories Begin" campaign is centered around the world's ever-growing need to have literally EVERYTHING shared globally, be it a video of your son's first words, or a picture of a ~~dead hooker~~ new puppy you just adopted. What Disney wants is for you to submit "pictures or videos of never-to-be-forgotten experiences" at the parks, which you can upload to an officially-official website. Then, starting in 2011, Disney will begin taking those pictures and videos and projecting them on Cinderella's Castle in Magic Kingdom, or the "it's a small world" building in Anaheim. Sound cute? Maybe if it's your pictures. But let's review the concept here:

-Disney will be projecting images all over iconic, beautiful pieces of Disney history. Some of it looks cool (as you can see), but imagine the first time you ever saw Cinderella Castle lit up at night. Many, many people won't get to experience that feeling because the castle will be almost completely covered up by distracting animations and pictures, like a giant screensaver. Hopefully, TDO will find a way to make it more of a complement than a distraction, but fingers are merely crossed at this point.

-Disney is going to use your face to promote their parks. If you don't have a problem with that, then fine. It's wholly possible that in the coming months, Disney will start putting your family in commercials for Disney World, and to some folks that's slightly overstepping boundaries. Now I know, if you go out of your way to put your pictures/video on this website, you should be willing to accept any usage Disney wants to get out of it. Once you put it on the internet, it's out there forever. Fine. Whatever. Again, some people may be cool with that. Some people may LOVE that. But I'm more interested in other people - bringing me to point 3...

-Who fucking cares about other people's vacations? Honestly? I think about this from my perspective: Let's say I don't want to put my face or pictures or whatever on this website (I really don't), and I go to Magic Kingdom one day (I hope to soon!). I have no interest in seeing other people's mugs plastered all over Cinderella's Castle. I just don't give a fuck. Also, say I DID post a picture of myself to the website, and it was placed on the Castle. Disney has claimed that somewhere around 5000 pictures will be shown daily as part of the campaign - who says they'll all be decently-sized, or projected for a long enough amount of time to appreciate it? No matter what, it's just dumb to think that the vast majority of people will care about other people's memories. I know it sounds vaguely narcissistic, but it's sadly true. I'm assuming a lot of people will either not care about this or simply bypass the photographers that already routinely hound you when you enter the parks, and it's pretty safe to say those chosen folks won't give a rat's ass about some other family's time on Splash Mountain.

"But wait," you may say, "aren't those the same people who look at videos on YouTube all the time of other people's lives? Isn't that a bit backwards?" Not especially, since those videos and images aren't mundane activities the viewers themselves live everyday. Not everyone routinely feeds carrots to baby hedgehogs or gets hit by a car whilst dancing (although if you did, you live an extraordinary life). No one cares about videos of regular people doing the same shit as them. So, then, why should they care about videos or pictures of people doing things they have done that day/ will do the following day?

Oh, Team Disney Orlando, will you EVER learn, you mischievous scamps?

Fuffy the Disney Dog to Appear at EPCOT!

2010-09-21T22:41:00.010-05:00

I never feel more old than when a new cultural phenomenon sweeps a country and I have to Google it to find out what it is. It's been happening a lot lately; Disney seems to cash in on a hot new thing once every week these days. I don't usually give a shit, though, because most of these things are either super-terrible or super-terrible. Imagine my utter chagrin, then, when I should find out that various Disney theme parks are getting a new walk-around character - "Duffy the Disney Bear." My first thought upon seeing any of these headlines was, "Meh." But that casual indifference slowly evolved into annoyance that I was seeing so much about this damned bear, until all thoughts toward the matter culminated with the shrill shriek of a harpy, screaming, "What the fuck is a Duffy the Disney Bear?" I turned to an old friend - one who knows far more than I ever will - and asked him to put an end to this miserable confusion. "Tell me, Google!" Google turned to me, glass of brandy in one hand, pipe in the other, and smiled. "Dear boy, he's a GOD." My attention was directed to 322,000 results for my query, and I was lucky enough to see that the second one had an answer for me. According to an article in The Orlando Sentinel:

As the story goes, Duffy was made for Mickey Mouse by Minnie Mouse so he wouldn’t be lonely when he set sail on a long sea voyage. Mickey carried the special teddy bear in his duffel bag, which inspired his name. The pair had great adventures and made many wonderful memories on their trip around the world. Duffy is already hugely popular at Tokyo DisneySea, and he’ll arrive at Epcot and Disney California Adventure on Oct. 14 during grand opening ceremonies.

So Duffy The Disney Bear (aptly named because of Mickey's propensity to leave cherished items of goodwill from loved ones in duffel bags) is a smash hit in Tokyo, where people apparently die at his adorable, cotton-stitched feet. It should only make sense that Gym Baggy come stateside this October, presumably only for a few months, seeing as how Mickey's on R&R from doing service, and God knows he has recurring nightmares about killing all those people, which would explain why we may eventually see a lot less Mickey, and a lot more Sacky.

Why should this matter? Why should we care? Because while CERTAIN buildings in EPCOT remain unused due to (presumably) financial reasons, Disney is bringing in a totally unrecognizable face into the parks, spending money on marketing this adorable plush teddy bear in a Stay-Puft outfit to our youth. Get ready, folks - Nuffy the Disney Something-or-other is coming!

CONFIRMED: Kodak Leaving Imagination Pavilion

2010-09-02T23:11:00.004-05:00

So for the last few weeks, filthy little rumor-bugs have been flying around, getting caught in the teeth of the collective subconscious of the Disney message-board community. "Shoo!" they said. "Bah!" The rumors were concerning some recent activity at EPCOT's "Imagination!" pavilion. WDWMagic had reported that Kodak - who has been a sponsor since the pavilion opened in 1982 - had lost some (most?) of their signage around the pavilion, and recently the "Journey Into Your Imagination" post-show (known as the Kodak "What If?" Labs) has seen walls go up, covering most of the area. Similarly, the pavilion's spot on park guidemaps has lost the sponsor's logo. For many, many people - myself included - this was a sure sign that the sponsorship had ended. With no official confirmation from either party (any official word was missing citation), it was hard to postulate what the future held for the pavilion. I wanted to get some confirmation from SOMEONE, so I set out over the last three days in an attempt to get word.

I contacted several folks who work at Kodak, and was met by either answering machines or promises of getting a return call. I finally was able to get in contact with David Lanzillo, Director of Corporate Communications at Eastman Kodak, and asked if the sponsorship was still happening. He promised to see if he could find out, and promptly called me back not too long after. He told me that although he "couldn't get a 100 percent confirmation" from a few people at Kodak who could give a simple "yes" or "no" due to their being on vacation, he was able to confirm from "several emails sent throughout the company that sponsorship of the 'Imagination!' pavilion ended at the end of June." I asked him if there was any chance of that sponsorship being renewed, and I was met with a rather fast "No." Lanzillo did ask that I point out that although he couldn't get in touch with his colleagues, he did urgently request they get in contact with him no matter what concerning the situation.

Now, this brings up several points concerning the future of Future World (and Disney World as a whole). Now that Kodak is out as a sponsor of Imagination!, there are several possible outcomes for this beloved building - some good, some TERRIBLE. Let's take a look:

Outcome #1: A new sponsor takes up Kodak's reigns and leaves the building alone, making sure the building stays well-maintained.

Outcome #2: Nothing happens; Disney keeps the building maintained on its own, a la "Horizons" (although that didn't end too well). Outcome #1 can still happen down the road.

Outcome #3: New sponsor joins, and revamps/redesigns the show building. This can be an overhaul of "JII", the Magic Eye Theatre, or both. This outcome has 2 branching outcomes, seeing as how a sponsor redesigning the show buildings can either keep the same general theme (with Figment), or completely change everything.

Outcome #4: Disney pulls a "Wonders of Life"; puts the building into seasonal mode until it's used primarily for Events.

Now, outcome #4 is highly unlikely right now, seeing that "Captain EO" has just returned to the Magic Eye Theatre, but it is still possible. Speaking to #3, though? Several people on Disney message boards have expressed their wishes for any new sponsorship to leave Figment in the pavilion, and not turn it into a coaster or a churro stand. A few people have responded to these claims, and it's easy to agree with them: An attraction like "JII" doesn't pull in any crowds at all. To be honest, I don't think I've ever seen a line there that went past the loading area, at least not for a few years. So why would a company invest so much money into something that so few people will see? It would, sadly, make a lot of sense for the next company to take up sponsorship at "Imagination!" (if anyone) to turn some part of the pavilion into an E-Ticket attraction. That way, pouring all kinds of money into the pavilion would be somewhat justified.

Now, when it comes to Kodak's sponsorship of the resort as a whole (and it's hard to turn anywhere in WDW without seeing a plug for Kodak), it gets tricky. Is this the end of Kodak as a major sponsor at Disney World as a whole? It's hard to say, and I didn't ask (because I'm a genius). However, in my search for someone to give me official word on Kodak's deal with "Imagination!", I did speak to a gentleman at the Kodak Corporate Line (800-698-3324), who told me after putting me on hold that "Kodak was not accepting requests for or beginning any sponsorships for the rest of the year." When I asked him if this was for financial reasons, or if this was a permanent situation, he simply told me he didn't have access to specifics at the time. So take that however you want - either Kodak is slowly putting brakes on sponsorship deals for the time being, or they're completely pulling out altogether. Either way, it's going to be an interesting few months ahead...

**UPDATE**

Mr. Lanzillo contacted me again this morning to give me final confirmation that "Yes, Kodak is no longer a sponsor of the 'Imagination!' pavilion at Epcot, and that relationship ended at the end of June. However, we continue to have a relationship with Disney and we're investigating other ways in which to collaborate; we've had a long-term relationship with them, its been a successful partnership, and we continue to look at other ways to collaborate with them." Thanks to Mr. Lanzillo for following up; still not sure what this means for other sponsorships at the Resort, but this is better than nothing.

The Problem With Plot Part 2 (or, How I Couldn't Come Up With A Clever Title)

2010-01-29T12:27:00.010-06:00

In the last entry, I skimmed upon the topic of plot in Disney attractions. The most important aspect of immersion is what story you have to tell; obviously no one wants to ride a roller coaster based on "Barton Fink". When Disneyland first opened, the rides there weren't rides, they were shows. All of the standards of film making - pacing, action, plot, performances, etc. - were present in these attractions. The concept of sailing into the port of a town under siege by ruthless pirates wouldn't be as exhilarating if none of them were yelling and firing off rounds. The thing that separates Disney from any run-of-the-mill amusement park is the careful attention to detail in the plot.

One of the oldest and most important (to me) aspects of telling these tales is what you see while you're waiting for the actual thing. Most parks (Six Flags, for example) have more of a "cold-open" feel, in that you wait in a line that literally tells you nothing about the experience to come. Contrarily, Disney (among other parks) has a highly detailed pre-show area for nearly every attraction. The queue area is what hooks the audience, immersing them in the world they've just entered. One of the best examples of a pre-show area is "Pirates of the Caribbean". The highly detailed walk through a Spanish prison heightens a mood of foreboding, especially evident through the lighting and sound effects in the distance.

Jumping ahead into the 80's, attractions like "Star Tours" and "Big Thunder Mountain" carry on this tradition, with the former giving a brief video presentation toward the start of the ride. The queue for "Star Tours" is a wet dream for any fan of the series, and it's here where the careful attention to detail and mood make the experience much more memorable. Everything, from the crates passing overhead to the subtle silhouettes flashing on the window, is done to make you genuinely feel like you're no longer in an everyday theme park. "Big Thunder", like "Pirates" or "The Haunted Mansion", utilizes a much subtler method, allowing the guest to discover plot points on their own (while the stretching elevator in "Haunted Mansion" is a little more straightforward, there is much more story to be found in the setpieces themselves).

The 90's brought two of the most popular attractions at Disney World, with some of the most memorable pre-show elements. "Splash Mountain" recreated the home of Br'er Rabbit, tucking away special elements in a fashion that suggests that the designers wanted people to find them, not have them shoved in their face. "Tower of Terror" recreates the lobby/boiler room of the Hollywood Tower Hotel, and even goes so far as to creating a dead-on "Twilight Zone" opener. This show is where a visitor can find some of the greatest executions of atmosphere in a theme park. From the cobwebs on the suitcases to the appropriate look of the freight elevators, you can tell a lot of research and hard work went into this area - and it pays off.

So what's the state of the pre-show now? Let's look at a more recent addition to EPCOT, "Mission: SPACE".

As you can tell from these images (courtesy of wdwinfo.com), everything here seems a little.... big. And by "big", I mean "fucking huge". There isn't much subtelty here, is there? Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the queue, but it seems like there's a distinct lack of small detail present. Even the clever reference to "Horizons" seems to be up in your face, like it was put there for a 6-year-old to find. The problem is a 6-year-old will have no idea what that means. Also, there are FAR too many pre-shows here. We have the outer area, then the 1st waiting area (with the gravity wheel), then the area where you're waiting to be put in the next waiting area (where you see Mission Control -- the only part of the queue with any sort of nuance), then the area where they show the pre-show film, and then the area where you wait to get in the vehicle itself. That's four separate queue areas. Then we have the post-show, but I'll get to that in a minute.

Another attraction, "Buzz Lightyear's Space Ranger Spin" (which, by the way, just recently celebrated eleven years of operation -- eleven!), doesn't give you much to look at while you wait. The atmosphere itself is fairly cold and dark, and it seems as though most of the attention was spent on the giant animatronic Buzz figure standing in your way, spouting 3 different sentences every two minutes.

While the "'Mission: SPACE' Rule of Making Your Pre-Show Huge" effect is indeed becoming more evident, it isn't necessarily a bad thing. Shows like "Midway Mania" certainly make it work; you are a toy's size, after all. There's also no shortage of eye candy to look at while you're in the (never-ending) line.

Subtlety isn't dead, however. There are some shows that effectively allow you to draw your own conclusions about the story. A prime example is "Expedition: Everest", where the pre-show is a carefully detailed replica of a small Asian town, complete with a Yeti Museum. The attention to detail here is almost unparalleled; while you wait in line, you're free to draw your own conclusions as to what this journey is, why you're here, and what could possibly be so bad about the Forbidden Mountain's "guardian". The queue alone makes this worth riding more than once.

Alongside the pre-show element of storytelling, there's also the way the show wraps itself up. Traditionally, the story ends on the actual ride portion, and you're whisked into a gift shop where you can see your onboard photo. There are some attractions that try to add in a little more to that experience, through the post-show. The earliest post-show is found in "The Haunted Mansion", where - after you've walked outside - you can still find visual clues concerning the story of Master Gracey and his lovely ladies. Similarly, there are more tidbits of story exposed after riders disembark on "Dinosaur" (was the Iguanadon in the car with us?), as well as "Mickey's PhilharMagic", and " MuppetVision 3D". Some preshows, however, are a little lazy - or worse, corporate shills. Take "Mission: SPACE", for instance. When you leave your X2 simulator, after a harrowing landing on the surface of Mars, you are given the most underwhelming and anticlimactic post-show imaginable. A solid-white hallway that sometimes never ends (depending on which pod you were in). Add to this a song that sounds suspiciously like something you'd hear over the end credits of "Con Air", and you have the post-show's beginning.

Sound interesting? No? Well, wait 'til you see where the hallway leads! After walking for several minutes (hours?), you are launched into what can easily be perceived as the arcade that the Foot Clan owned in the first "Ninja Turtles" film. There's a giant screen with a group of tourists playing against each other to....do something, and various other pointless space-themed junk. Guess who has their branding slapped all over it? HP!

We also have the post-show to "Test Track", which is like being dropped into the set of a Michael Bay movie. General Motors owns this area, which serves as a show floor for cars we'll either a)never be able to own, or b)never see on the market. More corporate whoring! At least that dreaded OnStar "Dream Chasers" shit isn't there anymore...

I understand that companies put a lot of money into these attractions, and expect to have some sort of profit returned through advertising. However, that doesn't mean that all originality and creativity can be stripped when creating these areas. It not only looks tacky, but it completely shatters the illusion that people have painstakingly worked on to create.

Some may perceive the lack of creativity in pre-shows for more current attractions as a sign that the company is losing faith in their ability to tell stories through these shows, but as long as we have the likes of "Expedition: Everest", maybe we can see that as a sign of pre-shows shifting back into the more detail-driven waiting areas we had years back.

What are your thoughts, humble readers? Do you have a favorite or despised pre-show?

The Problem With Plot

2010-01-02T16:22:00.005-06:00

One of the things I love most about Disney parks is the fact that elaborate stories are always present in one way or another. Almost everything in the parks has a back story, no matter how much visitors know about the source material. However, in the last few years, story has slowly taken a backseat to interesting and cutting-edge effects, as well as keeping the attention of the audience. Where there used to be attractions with fantastic subplots and enough background story to fill multiple attractions, there are now many elements of the parks that have visitors scratching their heads, wondering just what the fuck happened.

Let's take a brief look at the show I always pick on, "Stitch's Great Escape", which I consider to have some of the worst and laziest show writing in the history of Disney parks. The plot to Flight to the Moon/Mission to Mars was simple: You were going from Earth into outer space. The plot to "Alien Encounter" was a little more complex, but still simple: You were viewing a demonstration of XS-Tech's technology in a live, intergalactic demo. Now, let's get to the "Escape". Where, exactly, are we? Are we in space or on Earth? We must STILL be on Earth, since the show doesn't tell you at any point that you've somehow traversed the galaxy by walking into the preshow lobby. Why does Stitch (who calls himself "Stitch", despite the fact that this is a prequel to the film) go to Florida, if that's where we already are? Surely you can't claim that suspension of disbelief is called for, since Disney World plainly exists - Stitch either goes into Cinderella's Castle or on the Astro Orbiter. Also, since we're recruits for the security program, why are we strapped down for the entirety of the show? What kind of prison keeps the guards locked in their seat while the prisoner is in the room with them?

SIGH.

I get tired of talking about that fucking show so much. Let's try another one.

-One of the things that's always confused me about Mission: SPACE is where, exactly, we are. We're on Earth at the beginning, and I'm pretty sure this is a flight-training program, isn't it? So why are we on Mars at the end? Lieutenant Dan very plainly says "welcome to Mars", right? What the hell is going on?

-DINOSAUR has visitors going back in time to save an Iguanadon from extinction, for....what reason? The character of Seeker tells us that the specific Iguanadon we are to save (he marked it with a tracker, which makes you wonder why he couldn't get it himself) holds "the key to understanding these magnificent creatures." ....What? Wait, huh? Why that one, specifically? Also, I assume that the time travel would have been tested before they allow us to ride, so couldn't this have been done several times in the past? Also, why did we go back to the point in time where the asteroids were literally hitting the planet? Despite the fact that I love this attraction, it still makes no sense.

...The list goes on. Many would complain that these plot problems are easily forgivable, considering that these are theme parks. But just as people pay money to see a film with a coherent plot, some people (like me) enjoy getting the same out of these attractions.

There's an infinite amount of story floating around Disney World, and some of it isn't even told. Take this story found on Wikipedia (but paraphrasing a story told in the Hyperion book "Walt Disney Imagineering") about Blizzard Beach, for example:

"The theme of the park is the "Disney legend" of a freak snowstorm in the area, leading to the construction of Florida's first ski resort. Naturally, the snow didn't last long, leaving behind a collection of waterlogged but snow-less ski jumps and chair lifts. The failed resort was in the process of closing for good when an alligator was seen sliding down a flume and splashing into a pool of water, screaming "Yahoo!" Thus the "ski resort" was reborn as a water park, with the alligator (named "Ice Gator") as mascot."

No one really HAS to know that information, but the Imagineers cooked it up, anyway, just in case people were curious about why there's a blizzard-themed water park in central Florida. The same goes for "Big Thunder Mountain" (from the same source, though this excerpt is missing a bit of story told in the book):

"Some time in the late 1800s, gold was discovered on Big Thunder Mountain in the American Southwest. Overnight, the small mining town [of Tumbleweed] became thriving mining towns. Mining was prosperous and an extensive line of mine trains were set up to transport the ore. Unbeknownst to the settlers, the Mountain was a sacred spot to local Native Americans and was cursed. Before long, the settlers' desecration of the mountain caused...a flash flood, which befell the mines and town and they were abandoned. Some time later, the locomotives were found to be racing around the mountain on their own, without engineers or a crew. The Big Thunder Mountain Railroad was founded in the old mining camp to allow tourists to take rides on the possessed trains."

There's no big video that tells you this. There isn't a narration, or anything of the sort. It's just backstory created for the purpose of good storytelling.

While some of the attractions made currently have interesting and creative storylines (I've always thought the Laugh Floor Comedy Club did an ok job with the story), attractions today seem to either eschew plot or throw it together as quickly as possible.

Next time, I'll talk about the art of pre-shows and post-shows, and where they are now. Until next time...

Analysis: "The Princess and the Frog"

2010-01-01T16:38:00.012-06:00

Welcome to 2010, everyone! Hello, new and exciting clean slates! So long, trashy "aughts" sunglasses!

Whatever shall we do without them?

So, I promised a review of "A Christmas Carol" a few weeks back, and didn't come through with it, mainly because I didn't have much to say about it other than what'd already been said. I personally didn't like any aspect of it, most especially the motion-capture that makes the film look like a PS3 game.

Anyway, I got to thinking about the fact that I really don't have much to say when it comes to writing critiques like these, because I find that 90 percent of the time what I have to say has been said a million times over. However, "The Princess and the Frog" is a very special film - finally, a break from CGI and 3D! - so I'll try my best to be as original as possible in this piece. Also, I'm going to be speaking under the assumption that all reading have seen the film, so...

BE WARNED, MORTALS....SPOILERS ARE LURKING.

So let me just say this - I truly loved it. It's one of the better animated films Disney's released in the past decade (that's right, "Treasure Planet"), and I'm glad it's had the success it's had so far. Also, praise to Jennifer Cody ("Lottie"), who pretty much knocked it out of the park. It's also rare that you have a character like that and NOT have her be a bitch. Just sayin'. Also, I loved the animation. It was absolutely beautiful, especially the "Almost There" sequence. Now that that's out of the way...

1) The film didn't necessarily have any strong emotional ties for me. I didn't really care all too much about any of the characters or their motives. At least in the films of the "Disney Renaissance", I cared about the outcome. Here, I wasn't necessarily aware of the risks. Granted, the characters were likable, but I wasn't too interested in the character arc of Ray the Firefly. I felt no major emotional investment.

2) The film follows too closely to the aforementioned predecessors. There's the recurring theme of the child trying to live up to the expectations of the parent (Ariel and Triton, Belle and Maurice, Simba and Mufasa, Pocahontas Powhatan, Mulan and Fa Zhou, etc.). There's the outspoken young woman who doesn't know the true meaning of ____ until ____. It's all predictable to a degree - which isn't so bad - but despite the mimicking of those great 90's films, it doesn't bring anything new to the table.

3) The side characters were, while funny, almost pointless. Louis the alligator feels too tacked-on, and doesn't really progress the story. At least Ray got them to Mama Odie; Ray couldn't even do that. If the character didn't exist, the film would only have lost some comical moments. Nothing else. Also, I can't see either of those characters being too popular for years to come. This isn't necessarily that important to the overall enjoyment of the film, but it seems like the folks behind it intentionally added characters just for this purpose.

4) The villain was too unoriginal for my tastes. While Keith David did a fantastic job voicing him - and sounded like he had a lot of fun doing it - the character seemed to me to be too much of an amalgamation of other Disney villains. If Jafar and Hades had a black child, this would be the outcome. Even his demise was too similar to that of the "Hercules" heavy. I feel like his motivations were too one-dimensional and lacked complexity.

5) There were only 1 or 2 musical numbers that I had stuck in my head after watching. The film's songs seem to never reach their full potential, almost as if they're stopped short before a big climax. While well-written, there are no show-stopping, "Hakuna Matata"-esque numbers here.

6) Finally, I couldn't really tell what the moral of the story was. Was it "Be yourself"? "See others for who they are"? Or was it "Hard work equals great reward"? There seemed to be so many here that the number of messages numbed me to their importance.

I was honestly expecting this movie to be a minor footnote in the annals of Disney animation, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that this film is a genuinely sweet, heartwarming, and funny ( I don't laugh that often in the theatre, but this film had me once or twice) film that fortunately wasn't bogged down in the negative attention or the shadows of it's bigger siblings. It's not perfect, but it's definitely a step in the right direction.

Just a reminder...

2009-12-05T20:04:00.002-06:00

....Today is Walt Disney's birthday. He was born 108 (!) years ago today, December 5th.

Expect a review of Disney's "A Christmas Carol" in the coming days.

Brave New World

2009-10-03T18:12:00.009-05:00

Walt walked through the gates of Magic Kingdom, wiping the sweat from his brow on the hot July afternoon. He made sure to take slow steps, taking in every crack and crevice of the concrete he was walking on. He smiled at the thought of people's names inscribed into the ground leading into this, the culmination of his life work, at the heart of which sat an enormous castle - an actual castle, by God - colored blue and white.

He wondered why there were men checking bags.

He walked through the turnstiles and breathed deep. He closed his eyes and, one last time, envisioned the same image he had when he came up with the idea of the Magic Kingdom. He opened his eyes, and laughed to himself. He kept walking at the same speed as before, taking in every minute detail. People were rushing, he noticed. No one noticed the fountain on the left. No one noticed how neatly the shrubs were cut. No one saw the names in the windows! No one even cared to notice the subtle change in theme as they moved from one land to another. Walt was puzzled - not troubled, but a little puzzled. He moved through each land, soaking in every step he took. If he could spend a week in each land, he would. He loved how the Cinderella fountain made men appear to be bowing to her. He loved the look on the faces of the kids as they searched for the ring in the front of the Haunted Mansion. He loved those orange rocks in Tomorrowland. They reminded him of Mars. He didn't know who Stitch was, but he certainly admired the work that went into convincing so many people they were being licked, or breathed on.

He sat on the curb, and watched the parade.

As Walt went into the MGM Studios, he couldn't help but be overcome with a feeling of nostalgia. He always loved the Golden Age of Hollywood, and here it was. The Hollywoodland sign gave him a rush of memories. He loved the dedication here -- the feel of old Hollywood. The camera store; the giant model of Gertie near Echo Lake; the Chinese Theatre in the distance. He didn't prefer the giant Sorcerer Hat blocking the view. "Too much," he thought. He marveled at the sophistication of his animatronics. How the Imagineers had come this far was beyond him. The Wicked Witch of the West, he thought for a moment, was a real actress! It wasn't until a second later that he'd realized the movements of the woman were a purely evolved form of what he helped to create. He stayed until night and watched Fantasmic!. He teared up at the finale, watching everyone cheer and rave for Sorcerer Mickey. 80 years later, and the Mouse is still as popular as ever. He walked under the Crossroads of the World, straddled by Mickey, and still couldn't shake how amazed he was by the show.

The next morning, he headed into Animal Kingdom. He loved the feel of it all - it was wholly reminiscent of his work on True Life Adventures. He stayed for what seemed like an eternity at each area, observing the animals, and observing others' observations. He rode Kali River Rapids, and got soaked, which was nice in the summer Florida heat. He watched the 3d film within the Tree of Life, marveling at how far the technology had come. He wasn't sure about the scariness, though -- some of the kids didn't seem to care for it too much, to say the least. He gazed at the Tree before and after the show, trying to spot each animal carved into it. He peeked around Dinoland, USA, and Camp Minnie Mickey. He rode Kilamanjaro Safari, which was his favorite in the whole park. If he could ride this all day, he would. "An attraction that never stays the same," he said to himself. He thought it perfect. He stayed there until the park closed, then went and thought long and hard.

The next - and final - park to visit was EPCOT. He was intentionally saving it for last. Part of him was worried that what was currently known as EPCOT had drastically deviated from his original vision. After all, without EPCOT, there was no basis for Disney World as a whole. The other part was incredibly excited, and knew that no matter what, his dream was in good hands.

He stood outside the gates, for what could have been ages. And yet, the excitement within him was uncontrollable. Any doubt he'd had about this park instantly vanished when he saw Spaceship Earth. He spent the entire day looking over every inch of Future World alone, and spent the next day at World Showcase. At the end of his time there, he left the park, and walked towards a young man in a blue shirt. He was constantly drying his hands on his pants up until the moment he shook hands with Walt, at which point he asked him how he liked the parks. Walt smiled and said, "Let's have a talk."

He sat in a chair in a well-lit room, across from 30 or so Imagineers, each of them top of their field; the collective conscious of the Imagineering community. "There have been a large number of complaints," they said. "People feel we've been deviating too far."

"Well," Walt began, "you have a lot going for you. This whole resort is amazing. But I can't help but wonder why you all seem to have such low confidence in yourselves."

"The people are split -- they demand improvement, but don't want change," they said. "Everything here is a byproduct of those concerns, and it's getting terribly difficult."

"But change is necessary," said Walt. "The whole concept of these parks is dependent on the notion that evolution is the greatest factor. Without it, this dream is nothing."

"People complain, though, that they want what was there before. How can we evolve if there's only monotony?"

"Evolution does not mean 'to restart'. It's simply 'to grow'. It's the same core, but a constantly shifting structure."

"We can't help but feel like there's a different motive," the Imagineers said. "Take Horizons, for example. As outdated as it was, it needed a change. People still complain about it! Do you not think it's somehow rooted in their concern for their childhood? As if a piece of it was removed?"

"Of course it is!" said Walt. "Memories are the key factor in these parks. It's the memories that keep people coming back. You will always have people show concern over returning somewhere, only to find that their fondest recollections have been completely wiped clean."

"There are also those who feel like we sacrifice story for technology."

"In many cases," said Walt, "technology IS the story. Think of Carousel of Progress. But it's true; a good story is never solely comprised of the newest advancements. They need to complement each other."

"But doesn't the technology possess more of a symbiotic relationship with the story? We could easily tell the same story of Star Tours without the ride technology we have in place there."

"Yes, but it isn't about telling the story. It's about immersing the guests. One of the shows in the Studios - The Great Movie Ride - the story could never be told without the concept of immersion. If not the illusion is broken - you're simply watching a movie. The story helps create the world. The technology helps transport them there."

"But is that making people happy? Are they enjoying themselves in these worlds we create? For every person who leaves the parks unhappy, there's another instance where we haven't done our job."

"A lesson I've learned in all my years of working in entertainment is that there's simply no way to please every last person. You will always have to deal with a sole body of criticism at any point, and that's something you can't help. You have to press on, and do what you know is your best work. My second night here, I sat in the Brown Derby and watched a young boy at dinner with who I later found out to be his Aunt. Every time I looked up at the young man, I saw him with a huge smile on his face. He simply was amazed. He was in the middle of this magical world, outside of any troubles of the real world, completely immersed in what you all have created. I approached his table after several minutes, and introduced myself. I met the boy's Aunt, and shook his hand, thanking him for making my day.

"That boy will have nothing but fond memories for that trip for the rest of his life, and you all helped make those memories for him. If you can help cultivate that happiness, that growth of imagination, in at least one child, then you're on the right track."

Walt stood up to leave, and shook hands with each of the men and women, and left. He himself looked forward to returning in the future, if not to see how this World has changed.

And thus, I eat my own words

2009-09-13T10:38:00.020-05:00

So I was wrong. Wrong! I'm not perfect. However, as of D23, there are a few lights that have been shed on us that have forced me to acknowledge the fact that any speculation I've had in the last month has been wrong.

As most of you know, D23 held a conference concerning the theme parks yesterday, and 2 MAJOR points were brought up (pretty much the only points). There were a ton of rumors that circulated concerning the Expo's conference, and I felt it was necessary to address the BIG one that was popular amongst the rumor-mongers: a Fantasyland expansion. "The size makes no sense," I said. "Where's the money to pay for it?" I thought it was preposterous. So naturally the Expo comes along and kicks me swiftly in the ass.

Yes, there WILL be a complete overhaul of Fantasyland. Hell, "overhaul" doesn't even begin to describe it.

Essentially, Fantasyland will become something more in touch with, well....fantasy. From the press release:

"Guests will soon be able to:

Visit their favorite Disney Princess in her castle, cottage, or chateau to share a dance with Cinderella; celebrate Sleeping Beauty's birthday with the Good Fairies; or join Belle in an enchanting story performance in the Beast's castle library.
Be Our Guest and dine in one of three enchanted rooms inside the Beast's castle.
Fly with Dumbo high above brand new circus grounds, twice the size of the existing attraction with a new interactive, three-ring circus tent.
Journey under the sea with Ariel, The Little Mermaid, in her very own attraction - also opening at Disney's California Adventure in Anaheim in 2011.
Meet Tinker Bell and her friends in the magical world of Pixie Hollow."

Sounds pretty nifty, even though I probably won't spend a shitload of time there, seeing as to how I'm allergic to children and all. The Dumbo ride itself sounds pretty fucking awesome, though, and the idea of (according to wdwnewstoday.com) a ride that is "completely queue-less with a waiting area set up with bleachers for parents...waiting until their feather is called" sounds like a helluva way to avoid waiting in the heat. Also, the concept art for Ariel's Adventure looks like it will a beautifully-themed ride. All in all, I'm excited for this change to take place, because the Fantasyland area definitely needs some pizazz. As long as Philharmagic stays put, I'll be a happy camper. Again, I don't have kids or anything, so I don't expect to spend a lot of time here, but it most certainly will become the best-themed land in MK once it's all done.

Also, "Star Tours II" was FINALLY announced, after what seemed like years of speculation. I, for one, am somewhat excited about this...somewhat. First, let's take a look at the teaser.

Now, when rumors began circulating concerning a new Star Tours, most of them were set on the idea of a podracing simulator. However, the last time anyone saw a podrace in one of the films was when Episode I came out, so needless to say those rumors quietly went away. This video, however, brings that idea back into the spotlight, and it makes me a little nervous. What if it is really just a podracing simulator?

Thankfully, I have an optimistic side.

Firstly, most of the news concerning this ride mentions that multiple adventures are to be had, and that the StarSpeeder would still be involved. Also, take a look at this press shot:

What does that look like on the right side? A motherfucking StarSpeeder. It's safe to assume the ride will probably have your shuttle take you to multiple locales, one of which being the middle of a podrace. It serves to explain why you go flying into space at the end of the trailer.

...And that was it. The end. Only those two. Unlike what MJ's website had reported, there is no official plan of bringing Captain EO back right now. It may be in talks, still, but it's all in the air. Also, EPCOT (as usual) got the boot; it seems that EPCOT and Animal Kingdom will be stuck while these other two projects are underway. For now, though, it appears as though the parks will be a little busy for the next two years.

A small update

2009-09-09T09:08:00.002-05:00

It's official: Captain EO is coming back to Disneyland. The official MJ website confirms:

http://www.michaeljackson.com/ar/node/200089

It'll be a limited engagement, so nothing to get too worked up about. I personally like the fact that this is happening; with any luck we'll be able to get it in EPCOT too, even if it's just for a season. Also, it'll be interesting to see how this all plays out toward HISTA. It's possible HISTA won't be coming back after EO's run, which could inevitably lead to its demise at EPCOT, as well. I guess we'll see....

Thoughts?

Let's talk about the elephant in the room

2009-08-02T09:53:00.017-05:00

So there are rumors that Disney World will be receiving a healthy update over the next five years. an update that will literally transform an area in the Magic Kingdom into something nearly unrecognizable. I'm sure many of you are familiar with these rumors. If not, I'll recap: Disney management is apparently going to stick a shitload of cash into Fantasyland and watch it evolve into a newer, better Fantasyland - as if money were a moonstone. These rumors actually started floating around several years ago, and they've appeared to go full-speed ahead, so I feel like I should share some thoughts. First, let's take a look at what the extensive rehab entails, via WDW News Today:

"Since WDW News Today launched in July 2007, we have reported on rumors that a Little Mermaid dark ride attraction was coming to Fantasyland to replace Pooh’s Playful Spot and Ariel’s Grotto. It is important to keep in mind that this rumor pre-dates any formal announcement that Disney’s California Adventure would be building this long-proposed Disneyland Paris attraction. It seems likely that construction will begin soon in the Magic Kingdom, and the announcement by Disney a few months ago that they were looking for a “one-Disney” experience only bolsters the idea of this voyage “under the sea” taking place on both coasts. If this major addition takes place, it will most likely do more than add a major E-Ticket to the park in late 2011/early 2012, but will also add a large Disney Princess store and meet-and-greet area at the attraction exit (thus allowing the Princesses to leave the perhaps doomed Mickey’s Toontown Fair). This large addition may also force “Dumbo: The Flying Elephant” attraction to move to a new location. If the Little Mermaid dark ride comes to be, we can expect the remainder of the Fantasyland expansion to take place over the 4-5 years following, including: a Mad Tea Party with a new covering reminiscent of Disneyland Paris, the replacement of Snow White’s Scary Adventure with a “Beauty and the Beast” dark ride, and the addition of a Seven Dwarves Mine Train roller-coaster on the land now occupied by the old Fantasyland Skyway building. Also amid the rumored changes for Fantasyland are new facades for most Fantasyland attractions, shedding the “medieval fair” setting, and new visual effects and upgrades being added to both The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh and Peter Pan’s Flight.

A competing (perhaps more current) concept follows the floor plans below (found on the Disney Report’s Soft Opening Blog), also adding Princess and Fairy themed areas with minor attractions while removing the entire north side of Mickey’s Toontown Fair. This plan also has Snow White’s Scary Adventure saved by building the Beauty and the Beast dark ride next door to a proposed “Gaston’s” restaurant. This would terminate the castle forecourt theme with a wall leading into the “deep woods” and lands themed to Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Dumbo, and Winnie the Pooh. This plan also includes similar upgrades (mentioned in the first paragraph) to the Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh, with a new facade matching the look of the Hundred Acre Woods and a new Pooh character meet and greet area across the path. I had not seen this particular version of the plans before this week, but they are quite a bit larger than the plans I had spoken about above, making me skeptical as to how genuine this drawing actually is. We’ll just have to sit back for a little while and wait to see when and where construction walls eventually rise in Fantasyland."

Did you get all that? Good.

First off, let me put this out there: as you may have noticed, I made the word "rumor" in bold throughout this entry. This is because I'm incredibly skeptical that all - if any - of this is going to come to fruition. This is exactly like that Project Gemini shit from 5 years back - the rumored rehab that would change literally every pavilion in the Future World area. The mere mention of "Time Chasers" today sends some into a coma. There is no official word, aside from a blueprint.

So what? This may very well have been fan-made. It's been done before. Which brings me to the first of my reasons to be skeptical about this project: the size makes NO FUCKING SENSE. Is it just me, or does it seem absolutely impossible to fit ALL of this into Fantasyland without fucking destroying parts of every touching land? True, most rumors cite that a chunk of Toontown will be destroyed to make way for the area, but that's not enough space. Someone (brilliantly) took this blueprint and layed it over an aerial shot of Fantasyland. Take a peek (from screamscape.com):

Yes, it COULD work. But this, again, is just a blueprint - and it's not even official! Even if it were, it still doesn't mean that every one of these proposed ideas will meet this sense of scale. The Mermaid attraction may very well end up needing twice the space it was planned for. Likewise, it may end up needing less. It's all up in the air.

Point 2) The money. Does Disney really have the kind of dough to afford this kind of renovation? We know Disney is fucking cheap. They refuse to spend a minimal amount to paint the fucking walls at the Maelstrom. So why spend so much on just one sector of a park? The big reason floating around is Harry Potter....the son of a bitch. Universal Studios Florida is using the Islands of Adventure park to create a space dedicated to "The Wizarding World" of this iconic character. I can't begin to say how smart of a business move this is, considering the popularity of the films (and even the novels, 2 years after book 7) is at a high. Disney is worried. This will surely drive away ticket sales, and send Orlando tourists to the cheaper, newly-updated Universal. But is it a cause for concern? Again, I'm a wee skeptical that Disney would pour money into 1/6th of Magic Kingdom just to combat the possible shift in tourism to Universal for a park roughly the same size as that 1/6th of land. Even so, WWoHP will open in roughly 2010. Groundbreaking began in 2007. Disney hasn't even announced any plans for a plan. Even if they hit the ground running and got at least ONE new attraction running by then, it'd still just be one attraction. Another money-related issue circulating (mainly at the forums at wdwmagic.com) is the threat of Disney shelving plans for other projects in other parks. Will this mean that the Monsters, Inc. Doorway Coaster won't happen? Of course not. Disney built Pixar place with plans for more than just Midway Mania. It's long been known the plans to turn Soundstage 1 into a coaster based on the hit film. It'd be foolish for Disney to shelve this one project alone in favor of the Fantasyland redux, let alone the rest of the planned attractions.

This project would alienate the rest of Magic Kingdom, as well as the rest of WDW for many years. But still, I won't believe anything until I hear an official announcement. It still makes no sense that, in the midst of a very expensive refurb for Space Mountain, and smaller refurbs for other shows (Ed. - Living With the Land? What the fuck? Thanks for telling us, guys...) they would have the money or the time to work on something this big. Maybe we'll get one or two of the planned attractions - The Little Mermaid dark ride has been in the rumor mill for a few years now - but I doubt there's anything to get our panties in a twist.

Long Live the King

2009-07-09T14:13:00.005-05:00

As everyone in the entire world knows, Michael Jackson died just over 2 weeks ago. Therefore, I know I'm a little late to the party in remembering him, but later is better than never, and I feel like I need to say something.

Michael Jackson was the zenith in a world of entertainers. It's been said before: "He was simply the greatest entertainer of all time." No other artist inspired a generation is so many ways, but with seemingly so little effort. He was already a juggernaut at age 10, but his performance of "Billie Jean" at Motown 25 is what triggered his evolution into an unstoppable force of nature. He was catapulted into orbit, they say, and never came down.

Some of you may think I'm writing this to lead into a joke about "Captain EO", or the only reason I'm writing this entry is because of the show. It's true, his connection to Disney was strong and unmentionable without speaking of the incredibly popular show. But I don't really think about "EO" all too much when I think of his connection to Disney. Instead, I think of the 23-year old performer in an interview on the set of "Beat It". He discussed his love of Disney at length, and his having a room that replicates a scene from "Pirates of the Caribbean". He was endlessly fascinated with the magic and wonder of the theme parks, films, and characters the company created. I'm not just sad we've lost the perfect entertainer - I'm also sad that we've lost a fellow Disney enthusiast.

The fact that the world will never have another Michael Jackson makes this artist's passing the ultimate instance of not knowing what you have until it's gone. He ws a man of genius, dedication, talent, and purity who gave so much and only asked of so little. His music will live forever, and I know that he, much like Walt, left us too soon.

Let me know!

2009-06-14T21:17:00.005-05:00

Before I say anything on this short entry, let me point out a small rumor that's been making the rounds for a few days. According to the boards at wdwmagic.com, Stitch's Supersonic Celebration is set to be closed.

A moment of silence for the greatest fucking rumor to appear in months.

Now, to the point: I'm considering expanding the blog a wee bit, and one of the bigger ideas I'm toying with is podcasting.

So, a query: If a "Project X" podcast were in existence, who all would listen? The response I get will probably have a large impact on whether I choose to do this or not. So let me know.

UPDATE: In response to a comment, I'll clarify a bit: The podcast would have a strict schedule, so don't expect infrequent posts in the vein of this blog. I'll be shooting for a weekly/bi-weekly show.

Wayne Allwine: 1947-2009

2009-05-21T15:08:00.004-05:00

We meet again, my furry blue friend...

2009-05-04T20:31:00.017-05:00

Well, here it is, via WDWNewsToday:

Hm.

Ok, a few things. First of all, Tomorrowland needs to be saved. Like fucking NOW. It's slowly losing what made it Tomorrowland, and the only thing left there that actually represents the area properly is Carousel of Progress. The rest is just Stitch and (the unbelievably misplaced) Monster's Inc. But aside from that, this show is pretty much what I expected. It's devoid of any real story or decently memorable entertainment, and is instead something to keep the 2-year-olds giggling. All the while you, the adult needing something to do until that Buzz Lightyear fastpass is good to go, stands and watches uncomfortably as you feel like someone is threatening your life if you don't dance. You don't - yet you're still really uncomfortable, and pray that fucking projection of Stitch doesn't call you out in front of everyone.

Ahem.

I was unsurprised at the host who overdid it to the point where I hoped he would be evaporated by those fucking robots, and who also came off like a sketchy dude who has a secret second life. There were the aforementioned robots who - again, I'm unsurprised - danced to a song that Disney got to use for barely any money. Finally, there's Stitch. To be completely honest, I chuckled once at a moment a little after two minutes into that video, and that's about it. To be honest, I'm getting really tired of this digital puppetry craze going around the Disney property. The show pretty much revolves around it, and it shows that the technology is still too shaky to use as a centerpiece. Have you seen "MILF"? And no, I'm not talking about your mom...right now. I'm talking about the Laugh Floor show, where most of the digital puppets looks like they're foreign film characters dubbed over. It's a great concept, yes, but it needs to be refined before we're turning the whole park into something along these lines. Speaking of, apparently Disney is planning on doing that. 'Scuse me while I kill myself.

In an article on MiceAge, Al Lutz talked about a new, "next-generation" RFID program to be used in Fantasyland (as a start). The program apparently would require guests to "fill out a survey form prior to their arrival, and then that information would be downloaded onto the RFID tag embedded in their tickets."

Two problems with this: 1) I don't know if many people would do it, especially the amount of people needed to justify this kind of change to the area. 2) Is this just for resort guests? What about people who purchase tickets at the front of the parks? The article mentions the survey as "prior to their arrival", so it must be something only set up for people who have a full vacation plan. Sucks for you, everyone else!**

I don't know. I'm probably reading too far into this. I'm sure they'll iron out whatever shit needs to be ironed out between now and when the ball gets rolling. I'm hoping that never happens, though, because this whole technology, again, is shaky. For anyone who's seen the "E.T. Adventure" at Universal Studios, the program is a little awkward. Sometimes E.T., in his old age, forgets to mention your name. Or he'll switch up the names of your car's passengers with another's. Sure, it's sometimes the ride technician's fault, but it's all in the technology being used. So imagine what can go wrong if Disney unveils a super-advanced version of this tech to use on a shitload of Fantasyland rides. Like digital puppetry, it's a great idea, but we can all presume that Disney will try to rush it into the parks before it's totally (or more than just "pretty") reliable.

I know that's alot of shit to digest, but to put it simply, Disney is yet again riding the gimmick wave. I can already see this failing. Also, aren't most of the rides in Fantasyland cheapish dark rides? Having a wooden Snow White that sways from side to side saying your name and asking how Manchester is doesn't have the same impact as if Figment were to say it.

Which (final point, I promise) makes me wonder: Are they only going to do this in the Magic Kingdom? Because aside from "Imagination!" in EPCOT Center, there are pretty much zero rides with speaking animatronics on them in WDW. Odd, right? Sure, there's "Dinosaur" or "Universe of Energy", but those are dinosaurs. This isn't "We're Back", dinosaurs don't fucking talk. You sure as hell can't have them address you in a 3D show; there are too many people. That just leaves Magic Kingdom, really. Maybe Mr. Potato Head in the line for "Midway Mania", but that's about it. Have they really thought this through?

WHEW.

OK, Andy Rooney-esque rant = done. I'm about to bring this bitch home, but let me wrap up by saying that I am NOT 23. Nor do I plan on being 23 anytime soon. Yes, the website has some occassionally nice articles, but the price to be an official member is almost as outrageous as this membership price. It's a blatant grab for cash in these economic troubling times, and I don't plan on drinking the Kool-Aid. I'm just fine reading my old copies of Disney Magazine, thank you.

**UPDATE: So, upon further review of the MiceAge article, it is pointed out that "WDI and TDA both see the ballooning population of Annual Passholders (APs) in Southern California as a prime audience for this technology," and "WDI has been scoping out scenes and specific animatronics in some of Anaheim's major E Ticket attractions to mock up concepts where an RFID tag in an Annual Pass would trigger special acknowledgements and plot twists for Passholders." Guess what, this idea FUCKING BLOWS. Plot twists? What? "Oh, guess what! Turns out the entire time, Aerosmith was dead! Thank God for that Annual Pass! Now the whole attraction makes sense!" Who will pay that much for a fucking talking plank that somewhat resembles Pinocchio to say your name and thank you for paying Disney so they could afford to open ANOTHER HORRIBLE RIDE?
Chalk up another money-pissing plan for Disney! Hats off to you, you stupid bastards!

...I need a nap.

Who remembers "Even Stevens"?

2009-04-23T22:02:00.003-05:00

Me = going to hell.

Sorry about the lack of posts, all - in the next day or two I'll be back with a complete post, concerning my opinions on D23, some rumors I read about RFID, and some other shit - who knows?

Stay tuned...

What the fuck crawled up Jim Hill's ass?

2009-04-07T13:47:00.009-05:00

I highly considered just leaving this post as-is, with no text in the body. Just the title, and a link to the article on Jim Hill Media that I read this morning. "Let 'em gather their own opinions!" I said. But I feel like I have to vent some frustration I'm feeling right now.

Fuck Jim Hill.

I've never really been a big fan of Hill, but in the past my reasons have been petty. I hate his writing style (where - if you look at any article he's written - Jim does things like make ridiculously long parenthetical statements. Statements like this one. In which he writes up to an entire paragraph inside of the parentheses, breaking it up with frequent hyphens - like this - and periods to break up his thought. By the time he ends said parenthetical statement, you have no idea what the hell he was talking about before he started it). I hate his almost Rush Limbaugh-esque approach to Disney. He has a very specific viewpoint on every little thing, and God forbid you should try to change his mind. I don't have a problem with his having an opinion (that'd make me a hypocrite), but I wish he would for ONCE look at things from another perspective that isn't the Almighty Jim Hill's.

But those were, again, petty issues that I took up with the site. Until today. I was skimming different Disney news sites when I stumbled upon a new article Hill himself wrote, concerning the recent "small world" refurb in Anaheim. I've already shared my opinion on these changes, but I was curious to see what Hill might have to say.

What resonated through my head while reading the article (which you should read before I continue), was a definitive feeling of "What the fuck."

A play-by-play:

"Last week, I got e-mails from a bunch of West Coast Disneyana fans who were hoping that JHM might champion their cause...As politely as possible, I told those people 'No.'"
-OK, so Jim sets himself up immediately as some sort of God that Disneyana fans come begging to on their hands and knees. "They want me to 'champion' their cause," I can hear Hill thinking, "the foolish peons!" The start of this article is the equivalent of a high school student bragging to his friends to make himself seem cooler. "Stacey totally begged me to go to the dance with her, but I was all, 'No, bitch!'" Great start, Jim!

"I told those people 'No.' Pretty much for the same reason that I didn’t join last year’s 'Save the Rainforest' campaign. Because – to be perfectly honest here – I thought that Disneyland’s 'small world' redo was a pretty stupid thing to get all worked up about."
-Again, Jim sets himself upon a pedestal and spits on the faces of anyone who has asked him for help with a cause. If you went to ask a person of note - whose voice is heard by at LEAST several people - for help organizing a campaign, or a rally, and they said "That's pretty fuckin' stupid," would you put up with that? I, personally, would fucking pulverise them. That's just me, though.

"Mind you, one of the reasons that I feel that way is that I’m lucky enough to know Alice Davis."
-Name Drop!

"That Disney Legend who – along with her husband, Marc, and their good friend Mary Blair – helped to create the original version of 'it's a small world' for the 1964 New York World Fair."
-Name Drop times 2! If you want to seem important, you have to drop the SHIT out of those names. And then condescendingly tell your readers who they are, in case the poor things are clueless.

"Care to guess what her reaction to the revamped ride was?"
-No, Jim! Tell me! I'm DYING to know!

*Alice then makes a pretty valid point about "Young Turks" coming in and changing shit up. Which I don't disagree with. Then, things get weird.*

"Which is why WDI is so lucky to have Kim Irvine. She’s a very talented person. Kim was born with a Disney spoon in her mouth. Her father-in-law was Dick Irvine and her mom was Imagineer Leota Toombs. Leota was one of the first Imagineers. Kim’s mother was one of the nicest people you’d ever want to meet. Toombs was generous and sincere, and she taught Kim to know & respect all the early Disney artists like Mary Blair."
-Even Alice Davis is dropping those names! But the problem is, despite the fact that we all know who Leota Toombs is, that means essentially nothing. You can be raised into a family of atheists and want to be a nun.

"So I take my hat off to Kim. It’s not 'small world' as it was before. But Kim did the best possible job with what she was given, and I’m very proud of her. I can’t think of anyone who would have handled the 'small world' redo project as well as she did. Kim did what she could to keep this attraction as 'small world'-like as possible. She was very clever with how she did that. But instead of appreciating all of that effort, everybody is up in arms."
-Did Kim Irvine fucking write this herself? First of all, if Alice Davis and Jim Hill are so obsessed with jumping on this attraction's dick, why is Kim Irvine the ONLY person they mention? I'd hate to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but I almost think that they weren't too happy with the prospect of this refurb, and found a positive (in their eyes) element to attract attention to. No mention of Tony Baxter or Joe Rohde, etc. If they're proud of the work that was done on a task that's a horrible idea, why not say that? Why set yourseves up like you're rooting for the little guy? Re-read that quote from Alice Davis. "Kim did the best possible job with what she was given." That should speak volumes.
Ed. - I still fucking hate the job that Kim Irvine did, because those new "dolls" make this ride scarier than "Alien Encounter".

"Kim Irvine did a wonderful job here and the general public needs to understand & appreciate that. Sure, this was a project that was started by a committee. But that committee was smart enough to hand this project off to an artist who actually understood this attraction and really respected the people who originally created 'it’s a small world.' Which is why this redo turned out as well as it did."
-More Kim Irvine love. If she respected the people that understood this attraction, she would have put her foot down and refused to put Disney characters in this show.

"A lot of people decided before they even rode the revised version of 'it’s a small world' that they were going to hate it. Well, to them I say, 'Get a key and open your minds.'"
-Hey, Alice? Maybe everyone decided this idea sucked before it opened because it FUCKING DID. And still does. It's funny that you tell us to "open our minds" when you're speaking on behalf of a company that refuses to open any new attraction without some familiar character's face all over it.

"So long story short here: If Alice Davis is okay with the changes that have been made to Disneyland’s newly-character-fortified version of 'it’s a small world,' then I’m okay with them too."
-So you need the fact that someone else agrees with your (still not fully-formed) opinion to openly express it yourself? Hm...I think the word we're looking for in this case is "spineless". Even for Jim Hill's radical-approach-on-Disney ass.

This whole thing still makes me feel like all these old Imagineers popping up and speaking in defense for the show aren't really speaking for themselves. With idiots like Jim Hill prodding them on, that won't change.

So Jim, great job on alienating an entire fanbase with one random opinion to back up your own.

Oh, one last quote from the article:
"And as for those of you who still have your knickers in a twist over this non-issue … I believe that William Shatner – in his somewhat infamous appearance on 'Saturday Night Live' back in December of 1986 – put it best: 'Get a life, willya?'"

Hahahahahaha! Hey, Jim?

FUCK YOU.

Disney announces motion picture based on "Epcot"

2009-04-01T00:02:00.004-05:00

In case you missed it, earlier today at ShoWest, Disney announced (albeit quietly) a new motion picture being made for a release next fall. The movie will simply be called "Epcot", and will feature a "group of kids who stumble upon a lost area that encompasses the sea, space, automobiles, plants, the future, and the world."
Disney's press release notes the plot revolving around (as of now uncast) tweens who mysteriously stumble into what seems to be another dimension while on Spring Break with their widowed mother. One scene depicts a tween flying a spaceship to Mars to face off against an evil emperor (Dustin "Screech" Diamond"), and another sees a tween journeying deep into the sea to help find Nemo, in an unprecedented showing of live action actors interacting with Pixar familiars. The press release also notes that part of the climax of the film involves a tween growing a mile tall and using Spaceship Earth as a golf ball to attack the film's lead villain, who is rumored to be played by Eddie Murphy.

Disney also notes that other attractions from WDW will make appearances, although in a somewhat more "familiar" tone. For example, the kids will have to save their mother by going on a hair-raising limo ride, a la "Rock'n'Roller Coaster", though the film will remove any mention of Aerosmith and replace them with Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. "The Great Movie Ride" will also appear; but instead of journeying across the great cinematic achievements of all time, the kids will be reliving scenes from "High School Musical" and "Camp Rock".

"Epcot - The Movie" is scheduled to appear in theaters in RealD 3D Fall '10.

Things I Love: The "D" in 3D stands for "DAMN!"

2009-03-25T10:10:00.014-05:00

So I complain alot.

FUCK YOU.

Sorry, sorry. I just feel so much...love right now. And when that happens, I become frightened, like a baby cobra.

BASTARDS!

See? Anyway, you may be asking why exactly I'm in such a loverly mood, and I'd have to tell you that it's not the fact that I've been doing alot of prescription drugs. I save that for SpectroMagic.

Totally not true, by the way. ...On Thursdays.

But I realized that I spend so much time criticizing that I never get around to pointing out the shit I like. Thus the inclusion of this feature. Where - today - I'll be talking about my favorite thing in the Magic Kingdom, and one of my top 5 favorites in all of WDW.
"What's that?" you ask.

Mickey's PhilharMAGIC.

I absolutely need this show. It's typically the first thing I go to in the Magic Kingdom. I loved it when I first saw it, a little over 5 years ago, and I love it just as much now. Which is rare for an attraction, especially a 3D show.
One of the nicest things about the show is its simplicity. There aren't 15 rooms you have to cross through to get in the main waiting area; just one foyer with some pleasant, funny opera posters - reminiscent of "it's tough to be a bug!" There isn't a huge queue video that tells you what you're doing there. There isn't a queue video at all! It doesn't patronize you, and you know simply from that one line area and a voice-over in the queue that you are, in fact, in an opera house (though, if it were up to me, I'd put a few TVs in the queue area showing some Silly Symphonies - just to keep people occupied).

The show itself is pure genius. The first thing I thought of when I left the theatre the first time I saw it was, "Pure Disney." It's fun, goofy, sweet, endearing, and - most of all - unforgettable. Unlike attractions like "Journey Into Your Imagination", or...well, we all know I'm going to say "Stitch's Great Escape", so nevermind. The show has an amazing score, actually hilarious bits with Donald, and doesn't lose sight of what it is at any point in the show. It leaves me begging for more every time, and a show where - literally every time I've seen it - the audience applauds after the first song (not to mention just about every other scene) has to be doing something right. Some people have complained that the 3D models of Ariel and Aladdin and Jasmine are a bit creepy/Barbie-like, but I very much disagree. They look amazing, nowhere near the artificial creepiness of their "small world" counterparts.

All in all, it's an amazing show, and I hope it stays in the Magic Kingdom forever. Or until the "Stich Teleportation Extravaganza - 3D!" or whatever the next garbage experiment in synergy arrives in full form.

Spoodles is gone, son! IT'S GONE!

2009-03-19T13:47:00.004-05:00

Everybody party!

According to Screamscape and WDW News Today, Spoodles is leaving the Boardwalk and will be replaced by a place called Kouzzina featuring "Mediterranean-style cuisine".

I love the Boardwalk more than any resort, and I've always felt that Spoodles just didn't belong. It was overpriced, and I personally wasn't a major fan of their offerings. Although, it seems like this new place is going to have more of the same in terms of menu choices. Plus, the chef Disney is teaming with - Cat Cora - is apparently hot shit, as she is the "first and only female Iron Chef on Food Network’s hit show 'Iron Chef America'."

So basically, my excitement is null, since this is basically going to be more or less the same. But, on the other hand, it's not Spoodles!

Boardwalk really needs a solid Mediterranean place, since it fits so perfectly with the atmosphere; however there was something about Spoodles that didn't quite fit. It was lacking a certain "je ne sais quoi". And "Spoodles" is a fucking stupid name. Hopefully, the new chef - who already has a solid history with Disney World - will bring a bit of flair to that area.

Pizza from the Spoodles window for everyone!

Wait. Shit.

On rehabs and refurbishments, Part 3

2009-03-13T10:48:00.012-05:00

Hello again!

Sorry for the delay...I got back from a trip to Orlando the other day, and blah blah blah you don't care.

In the last part of my ludicrously over-thought view of rehabs and refurbs, I focused on some of the sweet ones that have filled the Disney skies with a glimmer of sunlight, or what have you.

But it's not all gumdrops and cotton candy.

There was, of course, the much talked about (by me) Primeval Whirl rehab. And the long-discussed recent rehab of "it's a small world", which apparently was vastly improved through the new process of raping its foundations while everyone watches.

A bit extreme, I know. But the rehab was pretty fucking extreme.

Over a year or so ago, reports were going around that Disney was apparently going to put the Disneyland version of "it's a small world" into rehab, with more than a new paint job. An improved soundtrack was in order, with Disney characters added into the scenes and an all new "Hooray for America" sequence being plopped in right where the rainforest scene was.

Pretty much all true.

To the credit of WED, the changes made tried (TRIED being the operative word) to be subtle. There were no goofy looking Disney animatronics breaking down as you floated past.

The "Hooray for America" sequence does TRY to match the style that Mary Blair used to make the attraction so unique.

HOWEVER.

The whole concept of the refurb is all wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. Wrong. Wrong in principle, and wrong in execution. The prime reason of its wrongness is "Why couldn't the damn thing just stay the way it was?" There was nothing wrong with it. It's gone for 4 decades now running the way it is, and people have been consistently charmed by it. Some of you may ask, "Good point, but why not?'"
There are several reasons as to why this shouldn't have happened.
A)The reason I listed above; that it's fine the way it is. As long as Disney doesn't let it become Norway, it's fine.
B)The induction of the Disney characters is just awkward. They don't fit. They do look like they've been infused with Mary Blair's style, but it still looks painfully obvious that Disney just slapped these 30-odd characters into the show.
Tell me that's not the creepiest thing you've ever seen.

C) The America sequence is fucking USELESS. It adds nothing to the show. It actually subtracts, considering WED tore down a rainforest to put up some cowboys and crop farmers. Again, we ask ourselves, "Why? In what way does anyone benefit from this?"
I suppose children will, seeing as how they don't remember the good old days of when original attractions didn't need "plussing" with Disney characters. And thus, Disney makes money, by profiting off of the children's lack of complaint.

Not that this is the first time Disney has been known to use the cluelessness of youth to make a quick buck.

Marty Sklar explained to us why this happened, and soothed our nerves. But I still can't help but call bullshit (especially on this letter, it's hard to imagine an Imagineering legend would be so welcoming to such bastardizing changes), and think that if Walt were around today, he'd want to know exactly what in hell that blue monster has to do with the "Children of the World".

P.S. I also read a piece on the rehab that criticized everyone's critiques of the "America" scene. Aside from this being pretty much the dumbest thing ever written, and probably written by the same Disney exec who wrote Marty Sklar's letter, the whole idea of Paris having an "America" section is acceptable because Paris ISN'T IN FUCKING AMERICA. Ass.

And sure, it's in Disneyland. So why am I talking about it? Because if this idea is gold in Disneyland, then we may soon see the Orlando counterpart getting the same facelift.

Anyway, moving on. I promised everyone I'd conclude this letter with a retrospective of what was (and still is!) the most horrendous and despicable rehab known to man. And it's not "Under New Management!"

...The attraction that has its opening known worldwide by Disney fans as the moment Walt not only rolled in his grave, but also sat upright and screamed bloody fucking murder.

No, the attraction I'm referring to is "Journey Into Imagination". Also known as "Journey Into YOUR Imagination" and "Journey Into YOUR Imagination - with Figment!" And probably something else. Hell if I know.

JII opened up in 1983, a year after EPCOT Center opened, and it was well worth the wait. People were amazed at the simplistic (almost Mary Blair-esque) design of the queue, and the show waiting inside was something much more than a dark ride. It gave Disney its first unofficial park mascots; characters serving as ambassadors to a theme park that weren't preestablished Disney creations. Figment and the Dreamfinder were 100 percent EPCOT, and you couldn't go anywhere else to find them. Unless it was your middle school science clas s (click on the TV, then the icon in the dead center with an animated Figment).

However, in 1998, to commemorate 15 years of Imagination, WDI thought it necessary to completely gut the shit out of the building and rebuild it - inside and out. What resulted was a disturbing blend of corny effects that you could find in a Ripley's building on I-Drive, a bunch of anticlimactic nothingness, and Eric Idle (in a move to better combine the theme of JII and its neighbor, Honey I Shrunk the Audience, which also led Disney to re-establish the entire pavilion as the Imagination Institute) called "Journey Into YOUR Imagination!". As if people would approach the ride thinking "I wonder whose imagination we'll be visiting?"
What followed was bat-shit INSANITY. Pure hysteria. People called it, in a show of amazing wit and tit-for-tat, "Journey Into Your (Lack of) Imagination".

Hm.

Don't worry, I was right at the forefront as well. I'm pretty sure I wrote a pissy letter to Kodak the second I found out that Figment was demoted to a shitty cameo at the end of the ride.

ANYWAY.

Disney, in a rare occurance, decided that maybe 10,000,000,000 complaints can't be wrong, and shut down the ride just a week after its 2 year anniversary. They reopened it with most fans (myself included), hoping a Dreamfinder and Figment-filled journey would be waiting for us. What we got was significantly better than the previous iteration of the attraction, but still lacking in any sort of enjoyability. Dreamfinder was gone, still, with Eric Idle in his place. Figment played a much more significant role in the story - Disney even slapped his name on the ride as a white flag - but for some reason the show writers (perhaps in a show of bitterness towards the fans that demanded him) made him into kind of a...well, kind of a dick. He always pops up in front of Nigel, fucking up the whole show, to do something annoying.

Now, believe me, I don't like the character of Nigel Channing in my Imagination anymore than I like cockroaches in my tortellini (ew). But Figment just overdid it. He was annoying. He came off as a pest, instead of a fun-loving, childlike dragon. He was a pest that pooted in your face. Literally.
Nevertheless, fans have accepted this one, seeing as how if it didn't exist, we'd still have that God-awful shitmonster from the Millenium Celebration. Yet, we can't help but feel that some change is in the air. Shirts have popped up in shops with the Dreamfinder on them. Pins, and other little goodies are circulating, too. The cynic in me is pretty sure this is merely a marketing ploy for the recent 25 years of EPCOT deal that was going around. But still...we can dream, yeah? Besides, Disney's bound to get tired of all the bitching for a proper Dreamfinder return. There's still alot of people who haven't discovered what's become of their favorite EPCOT duo...

Anyway, that wraps up this piece. Leave comments, and let me know if you agree/disagree, or what your thoughts on recent/future rehabs are.

I'm gonna go watch Captain EO.

Leave comments!

2009-02-25T18:46:00.001-06:00

....Dammit!

I'm trying to gauge the actual amount of people reading this thing. So lemme know what you're thinking of the blog!

On rehabs and refurbishments, Part 2

2009-01-02T14:01:00.020-06:00

Before I get started, let me wish a happy 2009 to all of you, and may your days be merry and your trips to WDW be filled with the most delicious confection to grace this Earth, the Aloha Isle Dole Whip, and its big brother, the Dole Whip float.

Mmmmm. Whippy.

So, aside from talking about Dole Whips, I know I was posting here for a reason. I...I can't remember. Perhaps a haiku will help?

Oh, delicious whip
Chocolate, vanilla, a blend?
Pineapple, of course!

Ah, yes. The "rehabs" story. Last time, I bitched about attractions that desperately need (or, in "Primeval Whirl"'s case, don't need) them. Attractions that are either dying of old age, like "Snow White's Scary Adventures", or new attractions that are suffering bouts of debilitating issues at young ages. Attractions like Expedition Everest, which has frequent blackouts and hallucinations at the tender age of 3.
You ask, "Hallucinations?"
I reply, "Yes."
The attraction has frequent periods in which lighting and animatronics are adjusted so movement is evident where there is, in fact, no movement at all. The park spent maybe a metric shitload on this enormous yeti animatronic, but the sonofabitch keeps breaking down all the time. It's no surprise, since such ambition went into creating it. Legend tells that the AA has as much force as a 747 turbine, and was able to break through it's restraint during testing. Then, it murdered thousands of tourists after some asshole pushed him while in line for "Midway Mania".

Ok, I made the "Midway Mania" part up. Maybe.

The point is, this is the most complex monster to ever live inside of a Disney World attraction, and he just...sits there. Some strobe lights go off, maybe. He used to swipe at you, didn't he? Roar? Now, he just hangs around. The train goes by so fast, he may even be holding a cup of tea, offering you a place to chill. And SURE, a bunch of people may take that "fast train" deal as a reason NOT to bitch, but it's not necessarily about the experience as much as it's about the fact that Disney pissed away so much on something that will REFUSE to work.

It's like "Test Track".

Almost literally EVERY time I've gotten on Test Track, it's broken down halfway through. These attractions have line waits of up to 70 minutes! Shouldn't we compensate for that with a kickass ride, and not a kickass ride that falls asleep all the time?

BAH....Anyway. I wanted to also talk about the rehabs from recent times that have actually been enjoyable. And the first will certainly stir up a wee bit of controversy with some.

I actually loved the "Spaceship Earth" rehab. It was brilliant. First off, it could have been better. OF COURSE. But consider this: Remember those rumors of a "TimeChasers" ride sponsored by Microsoft that was to come out in the "Project Gemini" era? The one that was going to be such a mega-indoor coaster, that Disney would have to gut Spaceship Earth just to fit it in there?

Well...now you do.

This rehab is a great step toward that pure "EPCOT" feeling. Jesus, it even has a logo!

That tiny little buddy right above the attraction title there. Just like the old days, right? When every pavilion had an insignia - for more than coolness, but also to fit in with the motif of the park. Simple, elegant, and straightforward. And also, bad-fucking-ass.
Anyway, the attraction itself has been overhauled with some new scenes and effects. Most of these are the same general idea that was behind the original versions, just...spiffier. Take the moving hieroglyphics in the "caveman" scene. I've never noticed that before! Seeing that made me feel almost like a child again, wondering just how in the hell it looks so sweet. There are totally new scenes, as well, such as the "70's retro lab" scene, which I absolutely loved. Many people hated it, saying it was useless, and no scientist would wear leg warmers in a lab coat. But I thought it worked well. It was a nice, subtle jab at the (I'll admit) occasionally ridiculous 80's motif that riddled the park's music and walk-around characters when the park was getting started.

And then there's the "Horizons"-esque "Decide Your Future" finale. It works out well, giving the attraction a new insight into the future, and it's also a nice homage to the amazing past we may remember. I do have my nitpicks, as always. Judi Dench isn't really feeling her lines, it seems. And she says some stupid shit ("The first world wide web"? What?). The music isn't as memorable as it once was. The entire last 3rd of the ride is essentially a blank canvas, save for some Christmas lights (and I know, the rider's focus is on the screen in front of them - which seems ironic to me - but it's still disheartening to see all that empty space in such a big dome). And yea, the attraction becomes more about the future itself towards the end than communication, as if the show writers just switched gears completely halfway through an all-nighter. But these are small, petty issues. I love this incarnation of "Spaceship Earth", especially considering the butchering it could have EASILY gotten.

I also was able to see the newest version of "The Haunted Mansion" and was pleasantly surprised to see this was more of an overhaul combined with a rehab. An entirely new 1st act is essentially in place, even tossing in that little M.C. Escher reference that was originally supposed to go into the 1999 "Journey Into Imagination" rehab (also known as "The Doomsday of Rehabs"). Also, I was amazed when I read about the incredibly simple methods taken to achieve those weird (in a good sense) new effects. There are articles around the web that go in depth. Check it out. Google that bitch.

It's easy for Disney to learn from the successful rehabs, from bigger ones ("SSE", "Haunted Mansion") to the smaller ones ("it's a small world", for example, didn't compromise any of the original artistic merits it had for its rehab - yet...). As long as Disney can maintain the original theme and concepts housed in the idea - be it the future and our connections to it, or the amount of tension and spookiness a few well-placed light boxes on sticks can create - then keep the rehabs coming. It's not about state of the art technology, but about preserving the magic we all felt the first time we rode these attractions. If necessary, use that technology to keep it alive, but at least go the distance to never make it look stale. Because once it goes stale physically, then it goes stale in our memories.

In Part 3 (AKA "The Conclusion", or "Revolutions") I'll talk about future rehabs and what the hell Disney was thinking with that debacle at the Imagination Pavilion. Cheers!

On rehabs and refurbishments, Part 1

2008-12-22T16:29:00.019-06:00

So, first off, let me apologize for taking so damn long to post, but there's been much going on recently. Maybe this will make it better?

ANYWAY.

There hasn't been a lot going on in Orlando. Things are quiet, really, as Disney prepares to begin it's new ~~blatant attempt to get your ass in the park~~ "Celebration Vacation" event. But something's put me off a tad bit: the lack of refurbishments and rehabs in the park currently.

I know, I know. The economy is on hard times right now. This country is hemorrhaging money, and the last thing some companies can afford is to shove money into a new paint job for "it's a small world". But I was reading an article on ScreamScape today about the recent refurb for "Primeval Whirl", located in Chester and Hester's Din-O-Rama, AKA the most pointless fucking thing in the history of time.

According to the news bit, the coaster (which just came out of a lengthy rehab) got a shitload LESS than what was expected. Apparently, where people were hoping for better security fences and on-board photos, all they got was some minor tweaking with the brakes - tweaking that has actually made the efficiency of the loading system (however much of that there was previously) plummet: the number of cars has decreased, and the loadout time has increased. This is easily the most popular ride in the sub-land, and Disney has effectively fucked it up with a rehab that a) was uncalled for in the first place, and b) made things worse for not only the riders, but the cast members as well.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not necessarily mortified at this piece of news. See, I HATE HATE HATE this ride with a passion. I hate the entire "Din-O-Rama" land itself. Why? Because Animal Kingdom used to have a fairly balanced and consistent experience in its "Dinoland, USA". But then, for no reason but to increase traffic through the area, Disney Parks put one of the tackiest, cheapest fucking themed lands in the middle of the area. I've always hated how it's essentially as if they stripped a piece of the Boardwalk (which, don't get me wrong, is my favorite resort in WDW), and plopped it right outside of the doors to "Dinosaur".
Also, fuck every ride in there.
There are really only two: Triceratops Spin (another lameass Dumbo knockoff - why is Disney now copying the people that copy Disney?), and the aforementioned Whirl, which is the most painful ride Disney has to offer (and yes, I called it a "ride" as opposed to an "attraction", because that's what the fuck it is, unlike almost everything else offered in the parks). I mean that literally. Not since "Dreamchasers" (that horrid advertisement for GE in the postshow area for "Test Track") have I been in pain in Disney World like this. My neck gets snapped around every 5 fucking seconds.

ANYWAY.

Sorry to complain. The point is: Why is Disney pissing away money like this? It's near frivolous. Yes, the country is in a bad way, money-wise, and YES, we all know Disney has the money to fix up some old girls. I mean, for God's sake, this is Disney World! Plus, they're ridiculously keen on throwing away cash, since (again) they're squandering it on half-assed rehabs for shitty rides!

Seriously, where the FUCK is the rehab for the Norway pavilion? I know EPCOT Central did an article on this a few months ago, but it's been heavily on my mind since I last went to the pavilion in August. That place is falling the fuck apart.

I remember riding the Maelstrom, and being utterly appalled at the condition this place was in. Despite the fact that the line was a 20 or so minute wait to board, the interior of the attraction was just...heartbreaking. The paint was chipped away on alot of the walls, and the animatronics were slow to move, creaking and groaning, as if they weren't up to the challenge. The sound quality was pathetic; distorted noise and static were abound. I mean, I felt like I was in the goddamn "Country Bear Jamboree" (more on that in a second). And then there were the Cast Members. This is a sad lot. Whereas in France or Mexico, you have friendly, cheerful (occasionally) folks explaining where specifically they're from, the Norweigan guides are as slovenly and sad at the pavilion they're in. They don't give a shit whether you stay or go. As a matter of fact, they encourage you to leave.
What's that? You haven't seen the film?
Well, you're among the thousands a year who skip it too. I'd never watched it before this summer, but I decided to humor myself and see what it could be like.

Jesus fucking Christ, guys.

This movie simply is terrible. They could have put on a 5-minute clip from "Innerspace", and it'd be more current than this thing. The hair, the outfits, the music...it all perfectly reflects the care Disney is putting into the maintenance of the place. It's disrespectful. And I'd be a liar if I said my heart didn't sink to the point of near tears when I eyed the dedication plaque near the exit. All that hope and promise, slowly sinking away.

Then, there are the Country Bears.

Please, PLEASE GOD someone do something to this show. I'm not even going to say much; I feel it'd be unneccesary. This show absolutely NEEDS a rehab, a long stint in which literally every piece of robo-ursus gets thrown into scrap and started anew. Remaster the tracks and dialogue, and gussy up that shitty old theatre. I don't think it's as urgent as Norway, or the several other shows that need pick-me-ups, though. At least this one is goofy enough to the point that the broken condition it's in actually works with the theme of the show, overall. It's almost like the show is laughing at itself, with us. But that's the problem: We're laughing AT, not with.

Coming soon, Part 2! In which I (for once) point out some plusses in the "rehab" category, and what Disney can learn from them. Then, in part 3, I'll delve into some upcoming major rehabs, and how I feel about them (sneak peek: BOOO!). Until next time...

Things I Hate: Why not just call this "KidCot", too?

2008-10-17T11:26:00.011-05:00

Now's the time for another installment of "Things I Hate" (which may as well be the title of this blog), which allows me to vent my disdain for a recent, unnecessary "Disney move" - most specifically in the "theme park" category.
Recently, on my last trip to WDW, I decided to take in alot of things I had previously vowed not to do (i.e., "The Country Bear Jamboree"), mainly because I found my self incredibly bored with the sights I had seen countless times before. While everyone was enjoying "Honey, I Shrunk the Audience" for the first time, I was seeing it for the umpteenth time. It isn't as...striking anymore. So, one day in EPCOT, I'm strolling around Future World when, lo and behold, I see my old friend "The Living Seas". I hadn't been to the Seas in forever and a day, but I was aware of the changes that had taken place inside of this once-amazing pavilion.

As I stepped past the now-redesigned exterior, I chuckled to myself at the revised sign. Again, I had seen pictures, but the yelping seagulls are best viewed in person. I was a little saddened at the idea of Disney retheming this pavilion around "Finding Nemo", but it could very well work out. On I went, into the building, to find myself in line for a ride I had no idea about. Once more, I had heard things about it (mainly the notion of gorgeous projected visuals of "Nemo" characters amid real sea backdrops), but not enough to make me bored shitless the second I got in the queue area. Around the second waiting area is where I became...confused.
While this area had an interesting set of screens utilizing the school of fish from the film AND Thomas Newman's beautiful score, it seemed a bit thrown-together.

About the point where I boarded my Clammobile is where I lost my happiness.

This ride does, indeed, use very pretty effects to bring "Nemo" characters to life. The entire attraction, I'll admit, is very cleverly themed. However, there's something this pavilion will never have that the original did: a destination for a thirst for knowledge. The original pavilion had no gimmicky effects or tie-ins with popular films. It simply allowed those who wanted to be entertained and enlightened to come in and nurture that need.

In a way, that's what all of EPCOT used to be. It was the perfect place to discover and learn, without ever being bored. It combined original ideas with fascinating methods of teaching to deliver a learning experience like no other.
I use "learning" in the loosest of terms, by the way. It's not as if all of EPCOT was about education. Of course, some of it was; but I use "learning" moreso in the sense of discovery. A place where you can share visions of the perfect future and delve into the deep mystery of your imagination was also where you could journey back in time and see the origins of communication and the birth of a universe.
Now, where those visions of the future stood, there is a hightech thrill ride with no real scientific purpose except to kill children and the elderly. Where an area dedicated to finding out more about our bodies once stood, there is now an empty dome, blocked off by a few measly potted plants, begging for you to discover it once again.

Where a beautiful pavilion once stood that opened its doors to those curious about the ocean and its inhabitants, there is now a cartoon circus that merely ties in a broad theme from its predecessor loosely.
Don't get me wrong - if there was any chance of synergy going right, it was "The Seas with Nemo and Friends". But instead of keeping the best of both ideas to create a visually stimulating and culturally relevant attraction with the same amount of educational material "The Living Seas" had, in order to satisfy people of all ages, Disney pulled a...well, a "Disney". They thought the original "Living Seas" was much too boring, and so put in what adds up to nothing more but a playground for generation ADD.
People wonder why I love "The Land" so much...because it's one of the only Future World pavilions left that truly encapsulates what its creators meant it for. And what WDI originally meant for EPCOT. But with these times, I can't help but feel a little edgy...

American Idle

2008-10-06T11:31:00.022-05:00

So, as many of you know, there's been quite a hooplah about the Disney-MGM Studios these last few months.
Some of you don't know? Well, then, let me (using the brilliant news source screamscape.com) refresh your memory:
-Fantasmic! is losing showtimes, to roughly 2 shows a week
-Sounds Dangerous with Drew Carey is going to be opening up late: about 6 hours before the park closes
-One Man's Dream will be closing it's doors about 3 PM daily

What in the hell could be causing this kind of a disturbance in the force? It must be something...big. Colossal, even. Maybe it's a new ride. But it can't be! It's closing up attractions on all sides of the park! What's doing this?

Would you believe...American Idol?

No? Me either.
Unfortunately, it's true. Disney heads have been concocting this brand-new show to plop into Disney-MGM Studios, right where the Monster Soundstage went.

*Sigh*...Where do I begin?

This is, without a doubt, one of the WORST ideas WDI has shit out in the last decade. Fucking Stitch's Great Escape was a better concept than this! And NO-ONE likes that concept! Why in fuck's name would WDI think it's intelligent to create a show based on a series that isn't even Disney-owned, and has been around for the last 8 years?
Let's think back on that first point: Disney spent money on this. Presumably mad money. Serious dollars. They don't own the American Idol name. But someone at WDI thought this should be done.
Higher-Up:"Guys, I love what we have here at the Studios. But it could use something a little more...known. Not everyone knows what Muppets are, but they sure as hell know what American Idol is!"
Underling: "But...that show was popular 8 years ago. It was a fad. No one really cares that much anymore!"
H-U: "YOU BASTARD! You won't be laughing when you see my other idea!" *holds up a poster for a Furby roller coaster featuring Spice Girls music*
This idea is just...bad. It's cashing in on an idea that should have been cashed in on in 2000. If they had done so then, this attraction would be gone by now. That's how outdated the whole concept is. Did the Astuter Computer Revue teach them NOTHING?

As you can tell, I'm being a big outrageous today. That's because I'm in an outrageous mood. Why? Because this idea is fucking LUDICROUS. Honestly. But what if it isn't outdated? What if, by some divine miracle, Idol-mania sweeps America again? Here's problem #2:
-At least 2/3 of the viewing audience stop watching "American Idol" after the audition rounds. One of the show's major draws is that you get to see people fuck up the Star-Spangled Banner on live TV. Drag queens sing Bowie, guys in chicken outfits breakdance, and at least one angry young man an episode curses Simon Cowell for not supporting his dream like his mother does. It's a draw because it's getting to watch people at their lowest. Some just do it to be on television, and some honest-to-God believe they have talent. Sure, it's pleasant to see some talent thrown in there, but we all know what we like. If it wasn't popular, there wouldn't be entire episodes of the show dedicated to poor auditions. When's the last time you've seen an entire show dedicated to the best auditions around? Sure, Kelly Clarkson is still a big deal, but how many American Idol winners of late have drawn a commotion as big as that of everyone's favorite neer-do-well, William Hung?

"The American Idol Experience" won't offer that kind of entertainment. The show will - for incredibly understandable reasons - privately audition people, then let audiences watch the best of the best throughout the day, culminating in a finale that (I would assume) will take place in the ampitheatre where "Fantasmic!" is housed. Which brings me to my greatest gripe with this whole idea: perfectly amazing attractions are being downsized to make room for this shit.
Fantasmic! is easily (aside from Illuminations) the best show Disney has to offer in their Florida resort. Fantasmic manages to make audiences applaud and scream with joy everytime I've seen it; it never fails to make people cheer when Mickey appears on the top of that mountain (which literally just made me think of Sorcerer Mickey as a Christ figure...I'll go into that another time, I guess). The show is just...brilliant. So the only thing that would be the cause for Disney to cut showtimes like this HAS to be nothing short of perfect. The greatest achievement in entertainment ever beheld by human eyes. Nope. It's "The American Idol Experience". Disney honestly believes that crowds for this show will be a match to that of Fantasmic!, which already has a line going allllll the way down that winding path to the ampitheatre an hour before the show even starts. It's a pity.

Then there's One Man's Dream.
Personally, I'm amazed this one is even still in the Studios. It's one of my favorite attractions of all time at WDW - one that honors the legacy of the man who brought this to us almost single-handedly. However, this wasn't supposed to last that long. It opened during one of Disney's annual celebrations (the "Celebrate the Future" one), and was supposed to be closed up afterwards. But, for some reason, WDI thought it'd be wise to keep it going.
One of the smartest ideas they've ever had.
But I personally am surprised that the WDI of today hasn't decided to gut that building and turn it into something else. I'm pleased, but surprised. They'd better by God never hurt that show too bad; but I guess closing it up early every day is better than shutting it down totally. Actually, when you think about it, "One Man's Dream" will have some weeks where it gets more people than Fantasmic!. Food for thought.
Then...there's Sounds Dangerous. To be honest, if they closed this and turned it into a queue area for the "Experience", my biggest argument would be that the building deserves better than to be used as a waiting area for hell; a Disney purgatory.

Honestly, I like the idea behind the show, but like "Experience", this was outdated about 3 months after it opened. If you watch the television monitors while you wait, you'll see trivia for shows that aren't even in reruns anymore. Not many people go there these days, but if they rehashed it - kept the same "sensory attraction" theme, but with a different, more accessible star - it may be a hit. But the Drew Carey theme has to go. The man isn't popular anymore, and if Disney can afford to buy the rights to a show that's past its prime AND build a giant monument to it, they can afford to slap, say, Robert Downey Jr.'s face on this show. Just a suggestion. God knows Disney has a bad habit of creating attractions around only celebrities who are 15-minute men (Bill Nye the Science Guy has appearances in TWO shows).

Anyway....yeah. "The American Idol Experience". I'm pretty sure I'm only going to experience this once, just to say I did it, but honestly...I can't see this one lasting more than a year. Poor idea, poor theme, and bad timing all add up to what's probably going to be a major bomb. Synergy at its lowest.

My little blue friend, you've earned good marks today.

Things I Hate: Should "Great" really be in the title?

2008-08-16T20:10:00.011-05:00

So, since I'm such a filthy cynic, I've decided I want a new feature on this blog: Things I Hate. This little number is a totally honest observation about something either well-loved (i.e. "The Country Bear Jamboree" needs to fucking be refurbished), or something that everyone has a complaint about (seriously, what the fuck is Chester and Hester's Din-O-Rama even about?). That said, this week's complaint goes to:

Balls to the people who came up with the concept for this ride. A bit of history: "The ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter" was an amazing attraction housed in the Interplanetary Convention Center in Tomorrowland. The plot? You're witnessing a demonstration of spectacular new technology from an ambitious - and sinister - intergalactic conglomerate. In the demonstration of X-S Tech's new Teletransportation device, you are greeted by what you believe is the company's chairman. Unbeknownst to you, Murphy's Law (every Imagineer's best friend) has intervened, and a hungry, clawed, winged, pissed-off motherfucker of an alien has been beamed down, right in front of your sweating faces. Before you can say "Spinlock", the alien has torn its way through the teleporter tube, an X-S Maintenance worker, and the power cords, all while it touches and snarls at you in a darkness only outer space can match. Just as you think you're lunch, one of X-S's scientists finds a way to lure the alien back and blow it the fuck up into satisfying chunks, to the relief of everyone in the tiny theatre-in-the-round.
Sound exciting?
Fucking right, it is! It was exciting, dark, a tad funny, suspenseful, and (most of all) terrifying. And the best thing? It was in the Magic Kingdom. The theme park where kids can ride Dumbo, fly with Peter Pan, shake hands with Mickey Mouse, and see a bunch of malfunctioning robo-bears guffaw their way through a blugrass extravaganza had a show where the blood of an innocent maintenance worker is poured on you while his screams are heard up above. It was the perfect escape from all the cutesy shit parents (or grown-ass folks looking for a good time) were surrounded by on all fronts. Unfortunately, the powers that be at WDI felt this attraction was too much. Walt wouldn't approve. It was terrifying to kids and even some adults. Never mind "It's Tough to Be A Bug"--that has synergy. We can gas children with fog while black widows and hornets attack them mercilessly, but they're surrounded by familiar characters.

There are no familiar characters in "Alien Encounter". So let's fix it. Let's create a show that seems more kid-oriented because of synergy, but is in essence the same fucking show.
What I'm saying here is, the huge change at "Alien Encounter" was NOT because of the content of the show. There are plenty of scary shows in Disney World. No, the changes occured were because right now, Disney is trying to Disney-fy all of the attractions there that are totally original. "The Living Seas" became "The Seas with Nemo and Friends". "El Rio de Tiempo" became "El Gran Fiesta Tour - Starring the Three Caballeros". Hell, even "it's a small world" is about to have it's artistic balls cut off in order to add an assload of Disney characters (as well as a "Hooray for America" sequence, but more on that later). Before we know it, "Journey Into Your Imagination" will remove Figment and toss in the Genie from Aladdin. "The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror" will replace the "Twilight Zone" atmosphere and shift to a "Suite Life of Zack and Cody" theme. Why not? It's cheaper than having to pay CBS all the time, and there's synergy galore!
However, Disney couldn't give "synergy" as a reason for changing a beloved attraction. The people won't understand, and the ones that do will be insulted. So they did something more insulting: they blamed the renovation on the content of the show. It had nothing to do with that! The show has all the terrifying effects "AE" did. Sure, there were no gross gags, like Maintenance One's death. But in place of that, a grosser gag: The little shit burps chili dog IN YOUR FACE. You're still in the same motion-restricting harnesses in the same darkness in the same theatre. The only thing that's changed is the plot (you're a security guard?) and the preshow (the once amazing character S.I.R. is now a bumbling, unfunny, annoying security chief robot whose name ends with the digits "90210" and - when he gets scared - takes a cue from "Finding Nemo" and claims "I think I just oiled myself." Har har har.). This show takes a concept that was great - scaring you using literally every sense you have - and dumbed it down so much it's reminiscent of an old "Family Guy" joke about Christina Aguilera: "You're an insult to every one of my senses. Even taste."
Disney did not want to have guests scared by an outsider, so they hired a cheap familiar entity to do it. They wrote this overnight, threw the show together - complete with poor animation and a finale that makes the whole show so pointless, it's like a spit in the face for spending the last 15 minutes there - and are reaping the benefits. Where an amazing show with the creativity and genius Disney lovers have come to expect once stood, there is now a piece-of-shit excuse for a merchandising opportunity. God knows you can sell more plush toys of Stitch than Skippy.
*Sigh*...when will Disney learn the theme parks are not mere extensions of fads the company holds rights to, but entertainment mediums of their own? They're beginning to remind me of another company...

"Toon Disney" to become "Disney XD"; my life officially in shambles

2008-08-10T16:44:00.013-05:00

I've been reading a lot of reports on teh internets about the upcoming demise of everyone's favorite crippled horse, Toon Disney.

See, for those of you who are unaware, Toon Disney was once a haven for those of us who absolutely hate the fucking garbage Disney channel has been airing. This was before "Hannah Montana", folks. This was around when shows like "Lizzie Mcguire" began generating steam as tween favorites. I remember a time in my childhood when (this was before we could get the channel in our house) Toon Disney was essentially the best thing about hotels in Disney World. Fuck atmosphere! I wanted "Gargoyles"! There was nothing like coming back to the hotel room after a long day at Magic Kingdom and watching "Bonkers" or "Marsupilami". Re-living the amazing cartoons of the past, before ADD-infused skullfuckery like "Jake Long: American Dragon" was born. So, imagine my dismay when, after a few months of finally getting the channel, a little monster named "Jetix" decided to move in with Toon Disney. This was not a mutual agreement. Toon Disney HATED Jetix, because Jetix was slowly stealing all of Toon Disney's precious on-air time. They were forced to live together, though, so Jetix made Toon Disney his bitch.

TD: "Jetix, what the fuck, 'Power Rangers' is NOT a cartoon! And what the hell is 'Super Monkey Robot Team Hyperforce Go!'?"
Jetix: "Shut up! Just for that, I start at FIVE P.M. NOW!"

Basically, while the Disney Channel was losing it's male boy demographic in favor of talentless teenyboppers like "Hannah Montana" or The Jonas Brothers or the "High School Musical" kids, Toon Disney was slowly getting more of this demographic. Disney saw that boys, when faced between watching "The Wizards of Waverly Place" or "Jackie Chan Adventures", opted to watch the latter. So, instead of just making The Disney Channel have a "Jetix" lineup every evening, the company decided to eliminate it altogether.
WHA????
Yes.
So, Toon Disney is safe now, right?
No.
Toon Disney, which has been slowly fazed out over the last few years, is disappearing completely. It went from a veritable Fort Knox of brilliant cartoon nostalgia to a network that had to pick the best (read: most chronologically relevant - *coughcoughBuzzLightyearcough*) programs to show in the mornings so Jetix can spoon-feed our children with zany, cheaply made bastard cartoons like "Ying Yang Yo!"

So what's becoming of the network? Why, it's being revamped, of course! To none other than "Disney XD". What's "Disney XD"? Glad you asked! Disney realized that instead of having essentially one-half of a network devoted to boys while their flagship network is so popular with the princess crowd, why not balance things out? Let's make the channel 24-hour Jetix, but without the Jetix name (it needs to have that Disney ensignia somewhere!). How about something....extreme? Yeah, with an X! Xtreme Disney...XD! Sweet Jesus, the guy who worked on that project must have gotten a nice raise (I'm really assuming it stands for "Xtreme Disney", because what else does it mean? Is it a laughing emoticon?). So, fuck you, Toon Disney! No more "Darkwing Duck" for the kids, because now they're getting..."Aaron Stone"!

"Aaron Stone" is a brand-new comedy/drama show that will be the major deal for the network. What's the plot? Basically, this teenage guy is a spy in his spare time, but has to hide that while keeping a normal life.
I want everyone to stop and take a lonnnnng breath.
Now picture the fact that Disney is making money off of - essentially - taking a dump. "Aaron Stone" is just a male rehash of a popular show (guess!) and, needless to say, has already been done. Why not just call it "Jim Possible"? Or "The Famous Jett Jackson: Now in Caucasio-vision!"? See, Disney is, unfortunately, going to make a shitload of money off of this channel. Which is sad, because it certainly means that our old friend, Toon Disney, is going away for a long time, and may not come back.

There's always DVD...

My last day here...

2008-08-08T19:25:00.008-05:00

So, today is my last day in the Walt Disney World area; I've been here maybe a week now. Let me say this: a week is FAR too long for me to be here anymore. I've come here maybe 17 times in my life total, and I have to admit, aside from a few attractions (PhilharMagic), I've found myself getting really tired of the same old things. Now, it's not to say the shows aren't good. I love Honey, I Shrunk the Audience, and I feel like it's one of the best shows EPCOT has to offer. However, I can't see this show once a year. I find myself enjoying the gags less and less, and as I figure out how things work, they fail even further to impress.
Let me say this: I'm a huge on WDW nostalgia. If I could rip up the "Leave A Legacy" monuments, or pull that eyesore of an "icon" the Sorceror's Hat is in MGM Studios, I would. I am quite vehemently opposed to major changes in the parks, and like them the way they are (mostly). That said, my views of boredom in the parks may seem a tad...hypocritical. But don't think that. I'm merely saying that I myself plan on taking at least 3 years away from the resort, and hopefully when I return, there will be some things added. This is where talks of hypocrisy step in.
"Wait a minute," you say, "For someone who loves the 'old' Disney World so much, you want more added?" Yes. See, while I am opposed to bastardizing classic elements of Disney World (like "The Seas with Nemo and Friends", which I'll cover later), I am not opposed to removing some of the lower-caliber attractions for something good.
Example? Why not.
MGM Studios (which you'll notice I do NOT refer to as "Hollywood Studios" around here, I'm too used to its former name) removed a relatively popular show - "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire - Play It!" - in order to make room for one of the best attractions the park has to offer: "Toy Story Midway Mania".

Now, at first, I was unsure if this was a good choice. However, I rode this bitch THREE times, and found that each ride was well worth the ridiculous wait times. On the other hand, for every "Midway Mania", there's a "Stitch's Great Escape" - a useless merchandising ploy that took the place of an amazing, original concept.
Nevertheless, I've found myself getting bored with the thousandth ride of "Mission: SPACE", so I'm hoping that if I come back in a few years, I'll be as entertained by everything as much I was entertained by the newer stuff.